Are you overcommitted? Do you often feel exhausted and resentful? As a busy parent, you might be happier and have more harmony in your life if you master the art of saying "No" gracefully.

Why is it so hard to say no? Many of us grew up learning that our value is measured by our usefulness to others. Because we are relational beings, we do want to contribute to the people in our lives. But, remember, when you are burnt out, you are less present and have less to give. By learning to say no when you really don’t have the energy or attention (or desire) to do something, you will be able to give more when you say yes!

Five reasons saying no can be so difficult

• We don’t want to disappoint others. Often, saying no means that we are not meeting someone else’s expectation of us.


• We have trained the people in our lives to expect us to always say yes. In doing so, we are worried our relationships will change if we say no.


• We want to be loved, accepted and respected. Because we often measure our own value by what we give to those in our lives, it can be easy to over-give, especially if our self-esteem is challenged.


• We are givers by nature. While this is a great quality, we just need to learn how to give to ourselves too! In doing so, sometimes saying no to others is appropriate.


• We never learned to say no. Many of us lack role models in our lives who are comfortable saying no. Because of this, we don’t know how to say no lovingly.

Which of the above reasons are true for you? Identifying what gets in your way of being comfortable with saying no is the first step to shifting this dynamic.

Five steps to help you no gracefully

1. Always say, “Let me get back to you,” when you know the answer is not an absolute yes. This will help you break the habit of saying yes without thinking about it first. And it gives you some time to consider your options and approach.


2. Check in with yourself to see how much you really want to say yes. Ask yourself this question: “If I knew that it wouldn’t upset anyone, would I say no?”


3. Make sure you feel clear before giving your answer. When you feel guilty or conflicted, the other person easily picks up on it.


4. Keep your answer simple and don’t over-explain yourself. Speak about your needs and feelings. “Being on the committee sounds like a fun opportunity, but I really need to spend more time with my family on the weekends, so I am going to pass.” It often helps other people to understand your reason for no when you share with them what you are saying yes to instead (more time with the family, better self-care…)


5. You may be able to say no and still help in another way: Offer to help brainstorm about who else might be able fill the request or other resources that would support the person who is hearing your no.

Would you rather people do things with you or for you because they feel obligated or feel guilty? Or would you rather them only say yes if they truly have the time and energy to do so?

If the latter (and I'm guessing that's you!), then give the same gift to the people in your life.

Confession: I have only just started turning off lights as I leave a room. My wasteful habit required three years of spousal nagging to cure, but cure he did (with a little help from guilt-inducing mass media). So, I was interested to read the spirited discussion at Parent Hacks last week about how to foster energy-saving habits in children. Where had my parents failed?

One mother wrote that she confiscates light bulbs when they’re left on. Gradually, her children’s rooms fade to black. Light bulbs are re-introduced when a parent is caught leaving a room without turning a light off. Another, more draconian parent turns off the fuses in his children’s rooms at the circuit breaker. They must turn the breaker back on themselves, which teaches children (adolescents, in this parent's case) where the breaker box is.

Of course, these suggestions raised cries of being overly hardcore, and potentially dangerous. Other, gentler suggestions followed. Some parents bring their children into the conversation about saving, discussing power bills, opting together to purchase wind energy. Creating charts to help children see how their habits have helped the family reduce their power bill could be also prove useful.

One family installs motion-sensitive switches some rooms, like the bathroom. This wouldn't work in most rooms, however, and the challenges of illumination made me think how turning lights off and on at the switch can be impossible for children, and I started to look for solutions. I can’t train a child to turn off a light if she can’t reach it.

Some lamp switches can be difficult for even adults to use. It’s simple to change a traditional lamp to a pull-chain - a lamp store can sell you a new mount for the bulb for a few dollars or you can order them online.

Kidswitch makes a light switch extender that mounts on wall-switches that are too high for your child to reach. You can order one through Amazon for about $9. Jeremiah and Jenni used one of these for Z in her bedroom for a while, and swear by it.

I’ve never before taken The Clapper seriously as a product, but it might work for a child. The novelty of clapping a light off and on might remind them to clap it off. Alternately, it might remind them to turn the light on and off incessantly.

Once the physics of lamp illumination and cessation are mastered, conservation can begin. At that point, traditional avenues, like docking allowance, might be helpful. And your savings could be applied to your power bill. Let us know if you figure out how to use pinwheels to generate wind energy!