A friend recently told me "It seems that you love children's books as much as I love chocolate!" And it is true - my love for children's books is close to an addiction. Every time I walk into a children's bookstore, I can't walk out empty-handed and I certainly can't walk the aisles without peeking at every new cover.

So when I recently picked up a copy of Feeding Penny Pig, I was hooked on the concept and knew that I wanted a copy for my own daughter. Filled with beautiful illustrations and bright, crispy pages, Feeding Penny Pig is the story of a little girl, Laney, who learns about the importance of responsibility and earning money. Laney receives a very special piggy bank as a gift from her grandmother, and she learns that her piggy bank is very hungry for coins. Through taking care of the piggy bank, doing chores and earning money, Laney begins to understand the concept of responsibility at a young age.

The book is ideal for children three years and older who are ready to learn about money, doing chores and earning an allowance.

I contacted the author, Jeannine Fox (or "Mimi" as her grandchildren call her) to inquire about her inspiration for the story.

Annie: What inspired you to write about a book about understanding money and its related responsibilities for young children?

Jeannine: One of the first things I bought for my first grandchild when she was born was a $5 piggy bank. It sat on her dresser for three years hoping people would put coins in it. The book just came to me one day as I was thinking about Laney's fourth birthday coming up. I wrote it in 30 minutes and there has been very little changed. It seems to have taken on a life of its own and I realize now that, even though my life has seemed to push me into finance, my heart has always been to be a mother, and now a grandmother which is so much more fun. I'm hoping to do other books, all focusing on responsibility - it can be fun!

I feel like I'm being given the opportunity to do what I was born to do: Teach kids about being good, responsible citizens. Part of that is learning how to handle money.

Today, the future for our kids doesn't look as bright as it did for my kids.

We can't do a lot about what has happened to the finances of our country, but we can prepare our children to accept responsibility for their own lives and prepare for their futures. The JumpStart Coalition is working on high school students, and even Warren Buffett has indicated that he intends to do some things there. However, while I think that's great and needs to be done, habits which are started when a child is in preschool and elementary school seem to last and be easier to instill. That's what I'm hoping to do.

Annie: What is your best piece of advice for give parents raising young children?

Jeannine: Best piece of advice: This is more as a grandmother - When your grandchildren are around, don't plan anything else. Play with them - puzzles, games, tea parties, etc. As a mother: Forgive yourself for not being perfect, love your kids unconditionally and listen more than you talk (my biggest challenge).

To purchase this fabulous book or Mimi's other educational products, visit her website. In addition to stocking Mimi's book, the site is chock full of adorable piggy banks, educational DVDs, puzzles, books, games, toys and responsibility charts. It also has a very creative sections on fun food recipes to make with kids!

I hope you enjoy Mimi's books and activities as much as we have!

And just to let readers know, this will be my final post for the Tranquil Parent. I recently started a private practice in Denver, CO, and I am busier than I ever imagined, so I will be spending more time with my blossoming practice! I have really enjoyed blogging for the website and interacting with my readers, so thank you so much for your support and interest.

We received some great reader comments to the ZRecs Family post on grandparents and family rules, and I wanted to follow up with some additional thoughts and suggestions. In particular, I wanted to touch on how some of the challenges new parents face in dealing with their own parents can relate to deep-seated issues that need to be addressed if your relationships are going to improve.

One comment gave some great examples of issues that have come up with a mother-in-law. One issue was the mother-in-law wanting to bottle feed a newborn immediately at birth and insisting that breastfeeding was gross and disgusting. Another example was grandparents refusing to abide by the well-established car seat rules, installing the car seat in the front seat so the baby could “see better and be happier." These two examples are obviously extreme and are areas on which parents should not even considering giving in.

Issues like this often suggest to me that something deeper is going on than the issue of whose rules will prevail. In the field of family therapy, it is well established that there are certain life passages that elicit very strong emotional pulls and can often trigger deep issues that have been dormant for some time. Think of the family system as a mobile. Whenever someone or something in the family changes, even slightly, the mobile swings wildly, upsetting the equilibrium of all of the members. Births, weddings, funerals and any other important life passages seem to be times of high tension and drama for most families.

My own mother became extremely emotional and irrational while attending the birth of my first child. I did not understand at the time that she was experiencing extreme menopausal symptoms, issues with my father’s health and her own issues related to her child becoming a parent. Passing through this life stage triggered something in her that made her feel old and useless and unnecessary. I must admit that I was not very understanding in my dealings with her and there are still painful memories attached to that time in life.

In defense of this particular MIL, whom I must admit is very difficult to defend, I would suggest the possibility of being non-reactive. In other words, begin to pay attention to the way you would have handled the situation in the past and find a new response. Do not immediately take offense, but begin to study what is going on in the situation. As am example, while biting your tongue, you might recite silently in your head "The one who talks next loses," or "Words once spoken can never be recalled," to calm yourself.

The bottom line is, the parents get to set the rules and need to establish safety, but as you are able to recognize that there are deeper issues at play here, you might find it possible to take the role of a researcher with this MIL. This can lead to both personal growth and a better shared understanding of what must be done. Begin to ask questions about what it was like for her when her children were born, who was there, what it was like. Ask about the way the children rode in cars, what the practices were in caring for her children. Do so as a researcher, as though looking in on the two of you in conversation, rather than as someone who feels attacked. As you learn to handle these issues differently, things are very likely to begin to change in ways that surprise you.

I realize this is very difficult to achieve and I am hopeful that my next post on making "I" statements will be useful in this regard.

If everyone can work at being particularly understanding and non-reactive during these particularly tense family times, assuming good intentions, families can move through these times of transition peacefully. In a future post I'll offer some tips about getting in touch with those initial responses and doing some work on your own responses.

Terry McNichols is a Marriage and Family Therapist who also blogs at Grace and Gravity and Are We There Yet?

I repeatedly encounter conflict between grandparents and their adult children regarding whose rules should govern a grandparent's interactions with their grandchild. In one corner we find the elders, full of knowledge and advice, wanting to be validated and honored for their years of experience, confident that they know what's best for the child. In the other corner, we find the young or new parents, full of book knowledge, research findings, training classes, experience gleaned from close friends, their own personal values, and their unique experience with their child, who need to assert their own way of doing things. If you look around, you will find articles, advisors and advocates who will agree with whichever side you come down on.

The areas ripe for disagreement are legion!

• How much sugar or other unhealthy treats are okay?


• How much television, DVDs, or video game time should be allowed?


• How is discipline handled?


• What kind of books, movies, and activities are acceptable?


• How should bedtime be handled?


• Do you reward good behavior or promote self-validation?


• How much risk is tolerated?


• How are differences in religious beliefs addressed?

The list goes on and on.

But I'm here as a grandparent to tell you that I strongly believe that parents should be the ones who are make the rules for how their children are raised. They are, after all, the ones who bear the final responsibility!

Grandparents need to think back on their own beginnings as a parent, and remember what it was like for them. Each generation follows the popular trends of the day. Before Dr. Benjamin Spock came along, "in post-war American, parents were in awe of doctors and other childcare professionals; Spock assured them that parents were the true experts on their own children. They had been told that picking up infants when they cried would only spoil them; Spock countered that cuddling babies and bestowing affection on children would only make them happier and more secure. Instead of adhering to strict, one-size-fits-all dictates on everything from discipline to toilet training, Spock urged parents to be flexible and see their children as individuals.” [Source]

The trends of today which parents are following may be completely different than what the older generation learned. But there are many variations on what is the "right" way to parent. To repeat Dr. Spock, "parents are the true experts on their own children." When grandparents step in and override the rules of the parents, what message are we giving? We are saying that we know best and usurping the parents' authority, as well as undermining their own confidence in their parenting knowledge!

Unfortunately, the result of this conflict can be estrangement between the parties. This conflict often leads to reduced access to the grandchildren, more tension and arguing between the adults, and the children are the ones who suffer. Grandparents need to be in constant discussion with the parents, finding out how issues are handled and what the current house rules are. But with friendship and openness between all parties, everyone needs to be open to negotiating on things that aren’t working.

Here are some tips for navigating specific areas of this unique parent-grandparent relationship.

Advice

I make it a policy not to give advice unless asked or it is a life or death situation. I believe this allows the parents to come to me for advice, at times, and then it is carefully given, with disclaimers! Sometimes the parents aren't that sure of their own stand on an issue, but dig their heels in if they feel the grandparents are somehow taking charge. Parents need the freedom to test their theories, make their own mistakes, learn what works and what doesn't work. They need to be allowed to become the experts and feel confident in their own roles as parents. Hopefully, the relationship that develops will allow for grandparents to impart some of that knowledge they gained through their own experiences.

Consistency, but not a foolish one

Often the rules grandparents choose to break cause unnecessary hardship on the parents. Too much sugar, too late a bedtime, or too many hours sitting in front of a television often cause unruly behavior when the child returns home. If grandparents allow a child to talk back, that behavior then carries over into other relationships. Or breaking the rules can pit the child against his/her parents, saying “But Grandma (or grandpa) lets me..."

On the other hand, I also have a plaque in my kitchen that says "What happens at Grandma’s house stays at Grandma’s house!' I bought this plaque partly in jest, even though I do follow the parental rules. But there is a special relationship that a grandparent and child have, and that relationship is different than the one between parent and child. It is important to allow that "specialness" to have its own expressions. Grandparents should be allowed special dispensation at times, to bend the family rules, but here again, I believe this should be after open discussion with the parents, and consistent with the parents' wishes. I still follow the rule of healthy food before cookies, but I might be just a little less strict on how that rule is carried out. Or I might stretch the size of the cookie given! If, however, I completely break the rule, it won't be long before cookies-before-healthy food becomes the firm expectation at my house.

It is also okay to acknowledge that some of the rules are different. Your child needs to learn this about the world in general; for example, the rules at a friend's house need to be observed, even if those rules are different. My own grandchildren know that it is not okay to jump on my furniture. I have a much lower tolerance of chaos than some of their parents. My grandchildren have been told by their parents that different houses have different rules and that the rules of the house prevail. Thus said, I do not use this as an excuse to flaunt the family rules that have been set up.

Discipline and honesty

When discipline problems occur, I talk to the parents about what methods they are currently using to handle the problem, and try to use those methods as well.

It is never acceptable, in my book, to lie to the parents or ask the child to cover up something that the grandparents have done or rules that have been broken. This sets up a very unhealthy coalition between the child and the grandparent, bypassing the parents in the process, and teaching the child that lying is acceptable behavior. Co-opting a child to keep secrets is never a good idea.

Assuming good intentions

All said, it is very important for both sides in this issue to assume good intentions. There are often underlying issues from past relationships that are coloring those in the present - a topic we will explore at greater depth in future posts. But I know how much my adult children love their children, and I know that they know I share that love. We all want what is best for the child and we all want to maintain our own good relationships! We all need to step back, take a deep breath, and begin to work on own relationships so that the children can grow up in a healthy environment, free of strife between parents and grandparents!

Do any of these conflicts surface with your own or your spouse's parents? What strategies for handling them have worked for you? How could you handle them better?

Terry McNichols is a Marriage and Family Therapist who also blogs at Grace and Gravity and Are We There Yet?