I discussed Bids and Turning in my last post about the teachings of psychologist John Gottman. Another one of Gottman's teachings has to do with the emotional bank account, a concept I'd like to talk about today. You can probably anticipate the basic concept, but it has some surprising implications for your relationships.

The concept of the emotional bank account is modeled after your financial bank account. We all know that we must continually make deposits into our bank accounts. If we don't, we will soon find ourselves overdrawn and in deep financial difficulties. The same is true of your emotional bank account. By turning toward your partner many times and in many ways throughout the day, you are making deposits into the emotional bank account. Turning away or turning against your partner depletes the bank account and causes you to experience relational difficulties. Think about ways that you can build up that bank account so that you will have a surplus when you most need it and not experience those relational overdraft fees!

One not-very-surprising premise is that you must have positives in your relationship to counteract the negatives. The surprising thing, however, is that it takes more positives to counteract negatives during times of apparent peace than during times of conflict. Let me explain. If you and your partner are arguing or in the middle of some other kind of tense situation, the expectation that one or the other person will be negative is understood. Research claims that it takes five positives to counteract a negative in the heat of conflict. And if you have been making regular contributions to your emotional bank account you will hopefully have built up a reserve to tide you over during times of conflict.

If, however, you say or do something negative during times of relative peace, the ratio changes. Researchers have argued that a negative that comes unexpectedly and catches the partner by surprise requires 20 positives to counteract it. An unexpected nasty remark or hurtful behavior, when the other person thinks things are going along smoothly, will cost you dearly. Bank penalties, interest, fees, the whole market crashing around your very feet!

Hopefully, you can see that this emotional bank account needs daily deposits, few withdrawals, and a lot of attention to make your relationship stable - and enjoyable! The deposits don't have to be grandiose gestures (although flowers, a date night, or a favorite meal couldn't hurt), but small acts of kindness throughout the day, an attitude of positive regard towards each other, and the willingness to give your partner the benefit of the doubt when things are rocky!

A friend recently told me "It seems that you love children's books as much as I love chocolate!" And it is true - my love for children's books is close to an addiction. Every time I walk into a children's bookstore, I can't walk out empty-handed and I certainly can't walk the aisles without peeking at every new cover.

So when I recently picked up a copy of Feeding Penny Pig, I was hooked on the concept and knew that I wanted a copy for my own daughter. Filled with beautiful illustrations and bright, crispy pages, Feeding Penny Pig is the story of a little girl, Laney, who learns about the importance of responsibility and earning money. Laney receives a very special piggy bank as a gift from her grandmother, and she learns that her piggy bank is very hungry for coins. Through taking care of the piggy bank, doing chores and earning money, Laney begins to understand the concept of responsibility at a young age.

The book is ideal for children three years and older who are ready to learn about money, doing chores and earning an allowance.

I contacted the author, Jeannine Fox (or "Mimi" as her grandchildren call her) to inquire about her inspiration for the story.

Annie: What inspired you to write about a book about understanding money and its related responsibilities for young children?

Jeannine: One of the first things I bought for my first grandchild when she was born was a $5 piggy bank. It sat on her dresser for three years hoping people would put coins in it. The book just came to me one day as I was thinking about Laney's fourth birthday coming up. I wrote it in 30 minutes and there has been very little changed. It seems to have taken on a life of its own and I realize now that, even though my life has seemed to push me into finance, my heart has always been to be a mother, and now a grandmother which is so much more fun. I'm hoping to do other books, all focusing on responsibility - it can be fun!

I feel like I'm being given the opportunity to do what I was born to do: Teach kids about being good, responsible citizens. Part of that is learning how to handle money.

Today, the future for our kids doesn't look as bright as it did for my kids.

We can't do a lot about what has happened to the finances of our country, but we can prepare our children to accept responsibility for their own lives and prepare for their futures. The JumpStart Coalition is working on high school students, and even Warren Buffett has indicated that he intends to do some things there. However, while I think that's great and needs to be done, habits which are started when a child is in preschool and elementary school seem to last and be easier to instill. That's what I'm hoping to do.

Annie: What is your best piece of advice for give parents raising young children?

Jeannine: Best piece of advice: This is more as a grandmother - When your grandchildren are around, don't plan anything else. Play with them - puzzles, games, tea parties, etc. As a mother: Forgive yourself for not being perfect, love your kids unconditionally and listen more than you talk (my biggest challenge).

To purchase this fabulous book or Mimi's other educational products, visit her website. In addition to stocking Mimi's book, the site is chock full of adorable piggy banks, educational DVDs, puzzles, books, games, toys and responsibility charts. It also has a very creative sections on fun food recipes to make with kids!

I hope you enjoy Mimi's books and activities as much as we have!

And just to let readers know, this will be my final post for the Tranquil Parent. I recently started a private practice in Denver, CO, and I am busier than I ever imagined, so I will be spending more time with my blossoming practice! I have really enjoyed blogging for the website and interacting with my readers, so thank you so much for your support and interest.

Over the next few posts, I will be discussing some of the findings of Dr. John Gottman. Gottman is a Professor Emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington, and with his wife Dr. Julie Schwartz, now heads a nonprofit research institute, the Gottman Institute. Thirty years ago, Dr. Gottman began studying couples through the University of Washington to try to understand what works and what doesn't work in relationships. He opened a laboratory where couples came and spent time together, and there he videotaped, observed, recorded and analyzed their interactions, emotions and microexpressions. In Gottman's work, he was able to predict with 90% accuracy which newlywed couples would remain married and which ones would divorce within four to six years. He was also able to predict longer marital survival rates with high accuracy.

Out of this research came some important findings about what it takes to have a successful relationship. Gottman calls the two types of couples "Masters" and "Disasters." The Disasters are those couples who either divorce or stay together for the sake of the children or some other reason, but are not happy. The Masters of relationships are those who stay together and are "relatively happy."

One of the most important findings from these studies was that how a couple responds to each other in the early moments of an interaction are great predictors of success or failure in the relationship. Gottman calls these interactions "bids" and "turning." A person is constantly making bids to his/her partner - bids for affection, attention, assistance, information - consciously or unconsciously, throughout the entire day. How the partner chooses to respond is the thing that separates the Masters from the Disasters.

Let's say that a partner runs into the house and exclaims about a beautiful sunset, visible just outside the door. The other partner has three choices as to how to respond. Gottman calls these responses "turning toward," "turning away," and "turning against." In the case of the sunset, "turning toward" the partner would mean a response such as "Wow, let's go outside and look at it!" "Turning away" might just be ignoring the partner's bid or continuing a project and not paying any attention to the words. "Turning against," however, might be an angry response such as "Can't you see I'm busy right now? Why do you always interrupt me?"

In Gottman's studies, the Masters of relationships responded to 96 percent of their partner's bids, while the Disasters responded to only 30 percent. It is obvious that these small, seemingly insignificant moments are the building blocks for a healthy, intimate relationship.

Pay attention over the next couple of weeks to how you respond to your partner's bids. Do you stop what you are doing and really listen? I know that my husband can't listen if he's reading the newspaper while I'm talking, so I will jokingly remind him to "listen with your eyes!" See what a difference it makes in your relationship if you truly "turn towards" your partner this week.

Terry McNichols is a Marriage and Family Therapist who also blogs at Grace and Gravity and Are We There Yet?