Have you ever experienced a tense parenting moment like one of these: Your child is having a meltdown at the grocery store and other parents are glaring at you (why can’t you control your own child?) while you calmly work with your child. Or, your still-nursing toddler asks for more “milkies” on the airplane and you are seated between two older women who look at you in shock as you begin to feed her. Or, your in-laws find out you are co-sleeping with your baby and say, “You know, he will never want to sleep by himself now...” with looks of pained judgment. Whether you describe these practices as attachment parenting or just your personal style of raising your child, progressive attitudes towards discipline, breastfeeding, and sleeping arrangements are all ideas that fly in the face of what many in the post-parent generations knew of as "the right way to do things."

If you are finding intergenerational or parent-on-parent conflict due to your progressive parenting, take heart: You are far from alone! Many parents are choosing a progressive style of parenting, attachment parenting or otherwise, that challenges mainstream ideas. While the personal variations on progressive parenting trends are endless, parents who are putting these ideas into action all seem to have one thing in common: They often feel judged or like they don’t quite “fit in.”

Here are six ways you can reduce pressure on yourself to "perform" for those who disapprove of AP-style parenting.

1. Surround yourself with other parents who are making similar choices. Brainstorm ideas together and support each other when you are feeling challenged. Of course you are going to still have friends and family members who might not agree with (or understand) extended breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping, or nurturing touch, but make sure you have enough people in your life who do.


2. When you are challenged by someone about your parenting, don’t defend yourself. This might seem counter-intuitive, but the truth is, you don’t have to explain yourself or your actions to anyone! If you do, you end up trying to justify your reasons which automatically puts you in the position of being “wrong.” Say something simple such as “we are doing what feels best to us,” and move on. If someone is really curious (and not judging you) then you will naturally feel comfortable sharing information.


3. Lighten the mood. When someone questions you by saying “he is still nursing?” make light of it and say something funny like: “I am sure he will be done before high school!” Humor like this can diffuse the energy without accepting their criticism, and also keeps you from going into anger mode - which would only make them feel more self-righteous!


4. Model your beliefs rather than preach them. If you feel strongly about respecting children and don’t feel that spanking is healthy for children, be an advocate for them by showing a different way that works and matches your values.


5. If they won't let it go, ask them questions, with curiosity of your own. Many people have never thought about why they think the way they do. “Why do you think it is good for kids to cry alone in a room at night?” Often mainstream thinking is just what “everyone does” or is based on anecdotal experience or unfounded assumptions. Remember to maintain a non-judgmental attitude, especially if that is what you are wanting to experience in return, but don't be afraid to question the "facts" others challenge you with.


6. Remain open to other points of view, especially if you are feeling unsure of something you're doing. If there is a practice you are following just because you think you should, or because it fits into a larger philosophy you have identified with, but it isn’t really working for you or your child, it might be time to try something new. Often, the choices we are feeling the most defensive about are the ones that we are ourselves doubting. When someone challenges you, it is a great opportunity to reevaluate you own motivations.

What choices are you making in your parenting that are challenging to mainstream thinking? How do you handle being challenged about them by others?

My toddler has a wooden train set with many pieces - tracks, tunnels, magnetic trains. This morning, he dragged the little box down to the carpet and invited me to “play trains.” As we began to clip the piece together, I noticed myself thinking ahead. What is the best way to build the train so that we use all the tracks and it clips in a neat circle? Will we finish it before I need to leave for work in 30 minutes?

But he was only enjoying the experience of moving the tracks around. He took several minutes to consider where he wanted to place one set of tracks, not even thinking about how it would look when he was done. As I watched the train set evolve, I felt some worry about how it was going in two directions like long snake rather than a nice, even circle. How would the train drive around these tracks?

He yelled when I went to move some tracks, explaining to him that they would work better in another direction. “No, this way!” he insisted.

The train never came together before I left for work. It was a long, strangely shaped set of tracks, leading to nowhere. But, he didn’t care. He gleefully drove the trains over the tracks and crashed them into a pile when the track ended. “Bang!” he exclaimed.

As I was driving to work, I thought about the beauty of living this way. What if I just enjoyed myself in whatever I was doing without being so concerned about whether I was doing it “right” or if it would end up the way I intended?

For my son, the end result was playful and fun. He made a creative mess out of his trains and completely enjoyed the 20 minutes of building the tracks.

As adults, we live in a culture that demands that we think ahead, plan every moment and make sure we are meeting expectations (ours and those of everyone around us). And often we do need to focus and be productive. But as parents, we have these small little teachers to remind us to relax and enjoy the journey too. They certainly enjoy us more when we do.

What can you enjoy today without worrying about the outcome?

Did you know that the mere act of smiling can make you feel happier? Research has shown that the muscles in our face, when smiling, send a message to our brain that changes our mood, instantly!

Laughter truly is medicine! Laughter Therapy is used to help people alleviate stress and increase their sense of well-being. Some people have even formed laughter clubs. But as parents, we have a built in laughter club: Our kids!

Children love a good belly laugh, a silly joke and a playful romp. They can laugh easily if given the chance!

In our household, we have been turning to silly laughter when things get stressful or frustrating. It can be difficult at first to start the laugh-out, but once we get going, it is contagious. It releases the same amount of tension as screaming and creates a whole lot more connection than losing our tempers.

Our neighbors might think we have gone bonkers when we are hysterically laughing and hooting, but we are willing to risk it.

So what else can laughter do for you?

• Releases endorphins, raises serotonin levels and lowers stress hormones


• Lowers your blood pressure and heart rate


• Boosts your immune system


• Helps you maintain a healthy weight


• Increases a positive attitude to allow for more creative, proactive thinking


• Helps shift the moods of people around you, increasing connection

Leave a comment with your favorite joke (clean, please!) so we can all have a laugh!