Working on deepening the friendship in your relationship can help you resolve address conflicts when you need to work on some of your important issues. But what if your problems aren't disagreements you can just "argue" your way through to a resolution?

John Gottman's research suggests that only 31% of problems are actually solvable! He calls the other 69% the "perpetual problems." The most important question is not whether you and your partner will have conflict, but how you get through the conflicts that occur. The Masters and Disasters approached the conflicts differently. Working through your conflicts assures that you will have greater relationship satisfaction.

Gottman posits four steps that are necessary to follow when regulating conflict. These steps are the Softened Start-Up, Accepting Influence, Repairing the Interaction and De-Escalation, and Compromise.

The Softened Start-Up

Gottman, in studying couples in relationships, found that the first three minutes of how a problem is raised will determine the outcome. He went so far as to begin predicting which couples would stay together and which would be divorced based on this first three minutes. Women are more likely to start a discussion with a harsh start-up. If you think you don't know how to do a "softened start-up," consider how you would usually treat a guest in your home. Try this out when bringing up a topic with your partner. You would never accuse a guest or use the same tone you might use with your partner.

Here’s an example of a harsh start-up: "You always ignore me at the breakfast table." A softened start-up might be: "I really would like to have more of your attention when we're sitting at the breakfast table." Can you tell the difference? This start-up needs to be a complaint, without blame; contain "I" statements rather than "you" statements; be clear, rather than requiring guesswork from your partner; be polite; show appreciation; and should not be a cataloging of all past wrongs!

Accepting Influence

So often in conflict we dig our heels in and become entrenched in our own opinion. In order to learn to regulate conflict, it is essential that you begin to learn to accept and understand your partner's point of view. Understanding that his/her point of view may have validity allows you to communicate understanding.

Repair Interaction and De-Escalation

A repair interaction is where you or your partner recognize that the discussion has gotten off track and is heading rapidly towards areas that you know won't be productive. One or the other of you may be experiencing flooding or used name calling or some other negative fighting trick that has derailed the discussion. Gottman suggests using an actual repair checklist to put up a stop sign and try to get back on track. Either partner can call a "time out" and use one of the phrases. Here are just a few examples from his checklist: "That hurt my feelings." "I feel criticized. Can you rephrase that?" "Let me try again." "I'm sorry, please forgive me." "I need things to be calmer right now." "Can we take a break?" "I see what you mean." The list is endless, and you can add your own calming repairs to the list.

Compromise

The fourth and final step is compromise. At this point, draw two concentric circles. In the inner circle, put the minimal points on which there is no possibility of compromise. In the outer oval, begin to identify the core areas where you can yield. Work together to find the areas of overlap, agreement, shared views, feelings, goals. Work on finding ways that you can develop a compromise plan.

Here's an example from my own life. My husband and I fought for years whenever we were in stressful driving conditions, usually vacations and unfamiliar cities. He drove and wanted me to read the map in the same precise way he would if he were reading it. I'm not a great map reader and I would get us lost and couldn't find our way back and my husband would be upset and we'd be lost in a strange city, mad at each other. My unyielding concentric circle was my need to feel safe and my desire for our vacation to be without conflict. My husband needed to know our location and feel in "control" of the situation and to be looked on as competent. Our compromise agreement was that I would drive and my husband would read the map! If he got us lost, I didn't get upset, I would just let him figure out a way back to the correct road. He enjoyed the map reading and the "control" and I enjoyed driving. We have carried this solution to our vacations as well as local car trips and have enjoyed our travels much more since finding this solution. With the advent of GPS, we no longer have the same relationship issues, but the example still stands out as one where we managed to compromise.

Would that we had a GPS for all of our relationship issues, right? Try out these four steps and see if you can become one of the "Masters of Relationships!"

Terry McNichols is a Marriage and Family Therapist who also blogs at Grace and Gravity and Are We There Yet?

In my last post I talked about the relationship changes that occur when a baby enters a family. This is an important time for a couple to remember why they were attracted to each other in the first place, and begin to reestablish their "couple-ness."

What makes a good marriage? John Gottman, after studying marriages for over thirty years in his research at the University of Washington, put couples into one of two categories. He called them the Masters and the Disasters. The Disasters were the couples who either got divorced or managed to stay together (often for the sake of the children), but were miserable. The Masters were the couples who stayed together and were relatively happy. And to become a Master required just two things. The Masters of relationships worked on the friendship in their marriage and learned how to regulate the conflict.

One of the concepts that Gottman teaches is that becoming a Master involves a lot of "small things often." Many people think that it’s the big things that impact a marriage - the vacations, the gifts, the large gestures - but these things cannot take the place of the small, daily things that have an impact on our relationships. In light of the need to work on friendship in a marriage, there are several “small things” that you can do to improve your friendship.

The first step in growing your friendship and learning about your partner is beginning to understand the inner psychological world of the other person. To do so, Gottman takes couples through two different types of questions. The first are questions that help you understand the likes and dislikes, thoughts and feelings of your partner. You read a question and then answer it in the way you think your partner would answer. Then you find out if you are correct.

Here are a couple of examples of this type of question: "What is my favorite holiday?" "What kinds of books do I most like to read?” “What do I fear the most?” (You can find many more questions of this type in Gottman's Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.) This helps couples see where they might have some preconceived ideas about what the other person is thinking or feeling, but actually may be very incorrect.

The second type of question gets to a deeper level of understanding. Open-ended questions are questions that can't be answered with a simple "yes" or "no" answer. Examples of this type of question are "How can I be a better friend to you?" "How have you changed in the last year?" "What are some of your life dreams now?" More examples of these questions can be found in And Baby Makes Three, by John and Julie Gottman.

The whole purpose of these questions is to get beyond the daily grind interactions that most couples have. Spending all of your time talking about issues of childcare, family logistics, chores, schedules, drains your emotional bank account. Spending time together, learning about each other's inner world helps you to create what Gottman calls a "Love Map," and helps to strengthen the friendship - step one in becoming a Master of Relationships.

The other important point in building and maintaining friendship for couples is to learn to express appreciation, affection, and admiration. This is where the "small things often" concept comes into play. It doesn't take much effort to offer a word of praise or a thank you or a touch. So often we ignore the things that are appreciated and criticism becomes the norm in our families. When a couple learns to make this positive perspective a habit, their relationship - and their friendship - grows! But remember, it isn't enough to think the positive thoughts. They need to be expressed, often! This is what the Masters do differently from the Disasters.

In my next post, we'll discuss the second part of Gottman's prescription for stable and successful relationships: Regulating conflict.

A new baby! How exciting! You must be thrilled!

These are the expectations that the world holds when a new baby enters a family. Certainly, these things are (we hope!) true; but they do not tell the whole story. No wonder that many couples are afraid to let others know just how difficult their lives have now become.

In studying couples views of their marriage after a baby entered the family, John Gottman found that 67% of couples reported a decline in relationship satisfaction. For mothers this drop came at about 6 months; for fathers it was more likely to be experienced around the end of the baby's first year. This can be a rather depressing statistic, unless you look at the flipside of that figure. He also found that 33% of the couples did not report that decline. He then began to study the differences in these two groups.

The transition from a couple to a family is a very difficult one. As a twosome, it is easy to just pick up and go to a movie or out with friends. During pregnancy, the focus is on the mother-to-be, with lots of positive attention, gifts, advice and support. When the baby arrives, it can be a time of great joy, but also great change. No matter how much preparation a couple goes through, the changes are still overwhelming.

What usually happens at this point, however, is that couples begin to think that they are somehow not getting it. They think that others must be having a much better time of it and that they are somehow flawed as parents. And who wants to admit to being less than perfect? Couples often argue about things that weren't even on their radar before. Think about all the changes that take place when a baby enters the family (main points summarized from Gottman's "Bringing Baby Home" research and the book And Baby Makes Three):

A profound relationship shift occurs

Here’s a quote from Rajneesh, an Indian mystic:

The moment a child is born the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.

And I would add, so is a Father!

Both the father and mother go through these profound relationship shifts. Before they were sons and daughters; now they are a father or a mother of a helpless newborn. There are many new responsibilities. Often roles become more defined along traditional lines. And life is looked at in new terms - before baby and after baby.

It is very important for couples to work at becoming more of a "we" than two individuals at this time, working on their friendship and closeness. Getting help from family and friends to ensure some time together without focusing on the baby is important. Sharing the bond that this new baby creates is a source of love and joy.

Relationships change

Many couples find that there is increased conflict when a baby arrives. There is much less time for conversation and closeness, including sex, and the relationship can suffer. New parents are often stunned by the sheer amount of work that is involved. They find they have lost the ability to even finish a sentence, much less a normal task!

Here again, getting help in whatever form can help to ease the stressors. But realizing that this change is normal is the most important step toward maintaining relationship satisfaction during this time. Things do get better as the baby gets older and the rewards increase as that new baby begins to interact with you.

Fathers often withdraw

Fathers sometimes find that women are more supported in the parenting role than fathers. Today's fathers often want to be more involved with parenting than the fathers of the past. But sometimes they find it is difficult to stay involved and are only too happy to get back to the working world.

It is important to keep fathers fully involved with their children through this period of time by participating in the feeding, bathing, changing, and mostly playing. Fathers play differently than mothers, in most cases. They are very important and shine in the area of play!

There are physical and psychological changes

There is no question that most new parents are sleep deprived and often under a lot of stress. This can lead to sadness, irritability and depression, at the very time in life when outsiders are expecting you to be overwhelmingly joyful. Sexual desire may decline or disappear. The mother may be nursing, uncomfortable, too tired to think about sex. One or both of the parents may become emotionally unavailable to the other. Sometimes postpartum depression sets in, or a longer-term depression develops. Just the lack of sleep, in and of itself, is enough to bring about depression!

Addressing issues

The most important first step in beginning to understand these changes is to recognize that they are normal and that all couples go through them in some way or another. Beginning to talk to each other and to other friends or family members about some of the changes will ease the feeling of isolation and failure. Just because these feelings arise does not mean that the marriage is in trouble. You will develop a deep love together for this new little being and this will strengthen your bond.

As Gottman put it, "Emotional communication and emotional connection are the keys to success during the transition to parenthood." What can you do to be more emotionally connected to your spouse during this time of "joyous stress?" Remember that keeping your relationship healthy is the first step toward building a strong family!

Terry McNichols is a Marriage and Family Therapist who also blogs at Grace and Gravity and Are We There Yet?