So many women share with us that once they become mothers, a good night's sleep is a distant memory. At first, pregnancy hormones and body discomfort disrupt sleep, then the early days of postpartum bring many wakings from baby. But many mothers report insomnia lasting a couple of years after their child's birth. Which begs the question: Once baby starts to sleep, how can mama make sure she can get to a good night's sleep again as soon as possible?

We interviewed licensed psychologist Jan DeRoest for some practical tips for new moms. She offers a workshop called Everything you wanted to know about sleep but were too tired to ask.

The Tranquil Parent: What happens to a mother’s sleep once she has a baby?

Jan DeRoest: Research indicates the first month postpartum has the greatest amount of reported sleep problems, even more so for first-time mothers. Usually there is a gradual increase in sleep time over the next 2-4 months as the infant's circadian rhythms mature. Breast feeding has been shown to increase slow-wave (restorative) sleep, possibly due to some connection with prolactin.

Often women get overtired from these first few months of many night wakings and lose their own routine of healthy sleep. Also, hormones take time to regulate after having a baby, especially if you are breastfeeding.

TTP: What is the difference between “normal” sleep challenges and true insomnia?

DeRoest: Insomnia is considered chronic when it persists for over a month. About 10 to 15 percent of adults report chronic insomnia. Stress or worry is thought to cause about 50 percent of insomnia. Other causes can include pain, digestive problems, sleep disorders (sleep apnea, restless legs, narcolepsy, etc.), depression, anxiety and some medications. Symptoms of insomnia can include difficulty falling or staying asleep, waking frequently at night, being unable to return to sleep, waking too early in the morning, unrefreshing sleep, daytime sleepiness, difficulty concentrating and irritability. If sleep problems persist for a few weeks or more, or if you experience distress and discomfort as a result of insomnia, you should consult a doctor. Bring a record of your sleep, levels of fatigue during the day, and any other symptoms you may be having.

TTP: What can mama do to finally get some sleep, once her baby is sleeping well?

DeRoest: Some ways to help promote sleep include:

• Good sleep hygiene - use the bedroom only for sleep and sex


• Establish a regular bedtime and bedtime routine and stick to it


• Get up at the same time every morning


• Make sure the bedroom is quiet, cool, dark and comfortable


• Don’t consume caffeine, nicotine or alcohol late in the day


• Exercise every day but not within three hours of bedtime


• Avoid daytime naps


• Avoid heavy meals several hours before bedtime, but a light snack before bed (like a couple of crackers with milk) may help some people


• Take warm baths/showers approximately one hour before bed

TTP: What are some natural techniques that help for sleep problems?

DeRoest: There are many natural techniques that can help with sleep!

Here are some that are reported to work:

• Relaxation exercises, guided imagery, meditation, hypnosis and biofeedback


• Stimulus control (only go to bed when sleepy, get out of bed when awake more then 15 minutes, do something boring, return to bed only when sleepy)


• Acupressure and acupuncture


• Aromatherapy (especially jasmine and lavender)


• Chamomile tea (no scientific evidence that it works, but lots of anecdotal testimony that it does help)


• Light therapy (use of certain light frequencies to shift your circadian rhythms back to day/night)

Medications/herbal remedies include:

• Antihistamines (Diphenhydramine/Benadryl, Chlorpheniramine, Lortadine)


• Melatonin (naturally secreted by the pineal gland in brain, works with circadian rhythms – best for jetlag)


• Kava (member of the pepper family, possesses centrally-acting skeletal muscle relaxant, anticonvulsant properties)


• Valerian (adverse effects can include abdominal pain, chest tightness, tremors, lightheadedness)


• Passion flower


• Skullcap

But please consult your care provider before trying any medications or herbal remedies.

Jan also offered the following recommended resources for more information:

• National Sleep Foundation


• Sleep Medicine Network


• Max Hirshkowitz, PhD & Patricia Smith,Sleep Disorders for Dummies

Jan DeRoest, Psy.D. can be reached at jderoest@comcast.net if you have more questions. If you are in Portland, Oregon, she offers workshops locally.

Have you ever experienced a tense parenting moment like one of these: Your child is having a meltdown at the grocery store and other parents are glaring at you (why can’t you control your own child?) while you calmly work with your child. Or, your still-nursing toddler asks for more “milkies” on the airplane and you are seated between two older women who look at you in shock as you begin to feed her. Or, your in-laws find out you are co-sleeping with your baby and say, “You know, he will never want to sleep by himself now...” with looks of pained judgment. Whether you describe these practices as attachment parenting or just your personal style of raising your child, progressive attitudes towards discipline, breastfeeding, and sleeping arrangements are all ideas that fly in the face of what many in the post-parent generations knew of as "the right way to do things."

If you are finding intergenerational or parent-on-parent conflict due to your progressive parenting, take heart: You are far from alone! Many parents are choosing a progressive style of parenting, attachment parenting or otherwise, that challenges mainstream ideas. While the personal variations on progressive parenting trends are endless, parents who are putting these ideas into action all seem to have one thing in common: They often feel judged or like they don’t quite “fit in.”

Here are six ways you can reduce pressure on yourself to "perform" for those who disapprove of AP-style parenting.

1. Surround yourself with other parents who are making similar choices. Brainstorm ideas together and support each other when you are feeling challenged. Of course you are going to still have friends and family members who might not agree with (or understand) extended breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping, or nurturing touch, but make sure you have enough people in your life who do.


2. When you are challenged by someone about your parenting, don’t defend yourself. This might seem counter-intuitive, but the truth is, you don’t have to explain yourself or your actions to anyone! If you do, you end up trying to justify your reasons which automatically puts you in the position of being “wrong.” Say something simple such as “we are doing what feels best to us,” and move on. If someone is really curious (and not judging you) then you will naturally feel comfortable sharing information.


3. Lighten the mood. When someone questions you by saying “he is still nursing?” make light of it and say something funny like: “I am sure he will be done before high school!” Humor like this can diffuse the energy without accepting their criticism, and also keeps you from going into anger mode - which would only make them feel more self-righteous!


4. Model your beliefs rather than preach them. If you feel strongly about respecting children and don’t feel that spanking is healthy for children, be an advocate for them by showing a different way that works and matches your values.


5. If they won't let it go, ask them questions, with curiosity of your own. Many people have never thought about why they think the way they do. “Why do you think it is good for kids to cry alone in a room at night?” Often mainstream thinking is just what “everyone does” or is based on anecdotal experience or unfounded assumptions. Remember to maintain a non-judgmental attitude, especially if that is what you are wanting to experience in return, but don't be afraid to question the "facts" others challenge you with.


6. Remain open to other points of view, especially if you are feeling unsure of something you're doing. If there is a practice you are following just because you think you should, or because it fits into a larger philosophy you have identified with, but it isn’t really working for you or your child, it might be time to try something new. Often, the choices we are feeling the most defensive about are the ones that we are ourselves doubting. When someone challenges you, it is a great opportunity to reevaluate you own motivations.

What choices are you making in your parenting that are challenging to mainstream thinking? How do you handle being challenged about them by others?

Mamas, you all know the airline industry adage “put the oxygen mask on yourself first”? While it may be important during a plane crash to remain conscious in order to take care of your kids, in everyday life it's equally important!

Often, this idea goes against our instincts. In an emergency, our first thoughts of course would be for the safety and well-being of our children. Likewise, most parents instinctively put their children and loved ones first.

But the truth inside this message is that if you are not taking good care of yourself, you just won’t have much to give your children, or anyone else for that matter.

You know how you feel when you are not taking care of yourself! Grumpy, exhausted and easily frustrated. You aren’t able to be as present and loving with your family as you would like to be. Your mind races through the lists of things you need to get done - and all you may want to do is hide under the covers.

Now think about how you feel when you are taking care of yourself. Typically, you will have more energy and attention to give your family. The quality of your time with your loved ones is more enjoyable, for everyone. You just seem to be able to get more done, even when you have less time. You are clear-headed and able to be creative (rather than reactive) with your kids.

So, what does taking care of yourself mean for you? If you were going to nourish yourself so you have more to give your loved ones, what would you change?

We all have different needs when it comes to self-care. For some mamas it means having regular time alone, for others it might mean keeping up with personal care appointments that support health (like yoga or massage therapy) and for some of us it means just getting enough rest.

Do you love to read but never make the time? Is exercise important for your health but you are too tired to fit it in at the end of your day? Do you know that you would feel better if you ate healthier meals but don’t always have time to prepare them?

What have you been neglecting that would give you more energy?

This year on Mother’s Day, make a promise to yourself to make a habit of putting that oxygen mask on regularly! Your family will thank you!