Are you raising boys? Have you noticed how different boys and girls are in terms of their behaviors and self-expression? As the mama of two boys, one age two, the other much older at 16, I often feel like I don’t quite understand what my sons need.

I turned to Parent Coach and Waldorf Educator Janet Allison to answer some questions about raising boys. Janet teaches a popular workshop “Boys Alive!” and has an e-book “Boys Alive: Bring Out Their Best!”

The Tranquil Parent: I often feel like I don’t know how to speak my sons' language. What do I need to know about boys that will help me communicate with them better?

Janet Allison: Less is more! Knowing how male and female brains developed differently through time gives parents a new perspective on why "boys will be boys.”

Females developed in groups, working together and nurturing children together. They depended on their relationships to survive. Their ability to process verbally was a key part of this and so female brains developed with many areas for processing verbal input. The male, who was hunting, required less verbal input, relying more on visual/spatial input. Scientists have found that the male brain has 25% less connecting nerve fibers between the right and left hemispheres and less places to process verbal input overall.

So moms talk a lot and boys have less places to process that verbal input. This slows their response time - sometimes up to 60 seconds! If we overwhelm them with too many words, they get frustrated and tune us out. And then we get frustrated when they don’t respond immediately!

Boys tend to respond to how something is said, rather than the words that are being said, which makes your tone of voice crucial. Keep your voice firm and neutral. To do this, make sure you are taking a moment to breathe deep and low into your belly before speaking.

TTP: My younger son has so much energy! What can I do to help him use his energy in a positive (rather than destructive) way?

Allison: Here are simple ideas for channeling your son’s energy:

• Look at your home through your son’s eyes. What adaptations can be made? Is there too much clutter? Simplicity eliminates overwhelming choices (and when boys are overwhelmed or uncomfortable, they often translate those feelings into running around and making noise.) One mom decided to pack away her antiques for a few years, rather than constantly yelling and fearing they would be broken.


• Provide ‘open-ended’ toys that inspire imaginative play. A fire truck with bells and whistles can only be that but a wooden block on wheels can be an amphibious land-rover, a pirate ship or a race car. Outdoor areas with water, sand, mud and sticks provide hours of imaginative and adventurous play. A metal bar across a doorway provides countless ways to build muscle and burn off energy. Tie a strong cloth around the bar and it becomes a swing or a book nook. A small trampoline also provides an acceptable physical outlet indoors.


• Adapt your expectations of behavior by simply acknowledging and accepting boy energy. Think of how “boy energy” has contributed to creating spaceships, bridges and skyscrapers. Celebrate and channel it!


• If boys are expected to "sit still" for awhile, make sure they have some physical play time first. Then provide a squishy ball or beeswax, so they have something to play with. Teachers are realizing that addressing this need in school actually helps boys listen better!

TTP: What are some of the most important things that Dads can teach their sons?

Allison: Moms need to understand the role of testosterone in their son’s life. It is important to know that it is responsible for aggression, risk-taking and impulsivity. It is the hormone that helped our ancestors actually kill the beasts they were hunting!

It is even more important, though, that the men in your son’s life teach him how to handle his testosterone. Boys must learn to control their impulses and their fathers can teach this self-control. Roughhousing and wrestling provide opportunities for learning to stop when things have gone too far.

Men are also key in teaching boys to respect women. And this begins with Mom. Hopefully, it is being modeled, but it must also be explicitly taught. “You may not talk to your mother in that tone of voice. How else can you say that?” Remember, your boy will likely grow to be bigger than his mom, and so an attitude of respect and care for her must be taught early.

Praise from dad (or uncle or grandpop) is worth 10 times more than praise from mom. Be specific in your praise - describe what you saw him do, the effect it had on others, how you felt - you are increasing his emotional vocabulary.

---

Book recommendations from Janet Allison:

• Sharifa Oppenheimer, Heaven on Earth: A Handbook for Parents of Young Children


• Michael Gurian,The Wonder of Boys


• Kim John Payne, Simplicity Parenting (scheduled for release in summer 2009)

What tips and techniques are you using to work with your boy’s energy? Leave a comment!