My favorite way to deflect these types of comments is to “pass the bean dip.” The answer to any question is: “Yes/No/great, thanks! Could you pass the bean dip?” or “When (s)he’s ready. Could you pass the bean dip?” or “This works for us right now, could you please pass the bean dip.”

I’m still nursing my 23 month old. I find myself being apologetic when it comes up.

My daugher is 20 months old and ends up in our bed every night.  I could really care less - and it works for us.  We like having her there.  And seeing her smiling face every morning and watching her wake up is priceless.  But the comments I get from people...like I am doing my daughter such a big dis-service by cosleeping.  I think it would be worse listening her to cry and getting her so upset to the point of vomiting is a much bigger dis-service.  There I go defending myself again...this post was spot-on.  Thank you!

Jenni - I’m only asking because Jeremiah had mentioned it before when talking about night time routines...is Z still nursing?  Do you get comments about it?  My son is almost 3 and still requests it every night.  Only for a minute or so but he does.

MichaelaW - Z is still nursing. She definitely goes through phases - she went 2 months without nursing about 6 months ago but then she started wanting to nurse again. At this point, she’s nursing for a minute or so every other night but it’s been almost a week now that she’s nursed at all. She’s talking about stopping nursing but I can tell that it’s difficult for her because she’ll say she wants to stop but “a different day.” We’re working on slowly replacing the nursing part of the routine with snuggles and a relaxation story from Mama. I get some comments about it but not many mostly because she’s only nursing at bedtime - and maybe partly people have just given up on saying anything anymore! :)

I particularly like the first idea listed here - surrounding yourself with like-minded people. Our daughter a little over 2, and we’re expecting our 2nd kiddo any day now. What a difference between when we were expecting her and now! When she was born, it seemed like every choice we made was totally different from everyone else. Since then, we’ve managed to find friends “like us” who we don’t have to defend ourselves to - either b/c they make similar choices to ours, or, even better, they just realize (as fellow parents) that everyone does what WORKS for them.

Great post.

I honest to God, don’t mean to stir the pot here, but I just want to mention a different side here. Maybe it’s where I live or who I have become friends with but I feel like I’m the one who needs some support sometimes and help with defending my parenting style.

My 2 children sleep alone in their own rooms each night, my 2 year old son in a toddler bed and my 11 month old daughter in a crib. I bottle fed my son because we had problems breastfeeding and I can’t wait for the day my daughter stops nursing. I fed them both store bought baby food, and I don’t often buy any organic products. I use sunblock, pampers and regular milk. To top it all off, they’re both up to date on their vaccinations, I let my son watch TV and have the occasional lollipop. 

I feel judged and looked down upon every single day.

J - I totally hear you. I am not the most progressive of my friend group either. I am actually rather moderate (for my crowd). Living in a place where the progressive is the norm can also be challenging if it doesn’t fit your own beliefs or borders on being dogmatic. You might enjoy reading this post I wrote on Mindfully Mothering about “dropping the dogma” of parenting.

What is most important is that no matter what we choose, we respect other parents to do what is right for their own family. Parenting is hard enough without judging each other, right?!

J and Savannah - I can’t speak for everyone, but your point of views are exactly the point of this post. Yes, this post was written from an attachment-parent point of view but if you look at just the bold print, it applies to *anyone.* Don’t defend yourself, lighten the mood, and remain open-minded. It all works! Most importantly, find people to be close to who won’t judge you (regardless of whether they agree).

At the end of the day, someone who judges you isn’t someone you want to hang out with anyways, regardless of whether they agree to use disposable (or breastfeed, or use plastic, etc. etc.) or not.

I just discovered this blog from Facebook. I’m glad to have found it. Rules about parenting are very much cultural. So you have to do what you think is best.

For example, Japanese parents always sleep in the same bed (in the very least, the same room) with their children, until their children turn age three or four or so. Those baby alarm devices-- are considered untrustworthy.
The comment about: Or, your in-laws find out you are co-sleeping with your baby and say, “You know, he will never want to sleep by himself now...” would in Japan be:
Or, your in-laws find out you are not co-sleeping with your baby and say, “You know, she may have a nightmare and not know how to find you...”

Thanks for this timely article!  My baby is a dirt eater… I don’t really let her go to town but for the most part I just make sure she doesn’t get small rocks or perlite in her mouth.  Yesterday I was told by a visiting friend of my husbands that if I didn’t stop her completely, she would develop a bad habit of dirt eating for life (!).  I don’t really believe that but I am a little squeamish about the dirt thing so it’s shaky ground. I tried joking it away, changing the subject, etc, but she kept on me about it so I found an excuse to leave the room.  I still feel that terrible feeling of judgment, though, and find myself just judging back, as in: what does she know, she has a limited world-view and she’s not even a mom!  How might I break the cycle of reactively judging?  Because that doesn’t feel good, either.