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Getting to the heart of teaching manners
By Savannah 
March 09, 2009
March 09, 2009
Photo by rustman, shared via Flickr.
The other day my almost two-year-old said "No thank you, Mama," when I offered him some more oatmeal. I paused and wondered, where did he learn that? My teenage son is also a very personable guy and people often tell me they are impressed with his politeness.
I want my kids to be warm and connected when they talk to people and I know that in our culture, words like please and thank you are appreciated. But I'm not a parent who focuses on manners, nor do I constantly remind them to use "polite words."
This got me to thinking about how kids learn about language and communication. I tend to follow loosely the philosophies of Unconditional Parenting and Connection Parenting.
These ways of being with kids through connection rather than coercion just makes sense to me. Rather than using punishments, threats, bribes or rewards to get kids to do what we want them to do, these parenting philosophies create a deeper connection to our kids that invites them to be in a relationship with us and model our behavior.
Likewise, these methods see childrens' behaviors as expressions of needs and look to meet those needs in a positive way, rather than constantly coaching them to do "what is expected."
However, I don't follow any ideal perfectly. I believe that as parents, we must be flexible to work with the needs of our unique family and trust our instincts. No book or philosophy can tell you everything about your own kid!
From the Unconditional Parenting perspective, manners are learned through modeling not through nagging. Children, especially very young ones, are sponges. They are learning behaviors and language through listening and watching us. When I speak to my kids respectfully and use the polite words I would love to hear from them, they learn manners. Unfortunately, kids in our culture are often treated as lesser beings. When I hear people say how "kids today are so disrespectful," I am not surprised as they are so often disrespected because they are "just kids."
When we shame our children, nag them to use particular words, lecture or criticize them, we can disconnect them from learning. Their prime motivation is to be in relationship with us, and nagging, shaming and bribing to get them "to behave" can squelch that connection.
The other day at the park I watched a mother pushing her daughter on the swing. Every time the swing came back to the mother, the little girl said, "Higher, mama!" The enthusiasm and joy in her voice was precious. The mother, however, held the swing and said, "What do we say?" "Please?" the little girl added - as a question.
Watching this interaction, I felt curious about what this little girl was learning. Was it more important to say the right thing, which is what her mother wanted, than to be enveloped in a sense of wonder and joy?
You have probably heard someone use words like please and thank you with coldness and anger. The energy behind the words is as important as the words themselves!
With my toddler, I model the way I would like him to talk to others in the way I talk to him. Often, I will say please and thank you for him when we are in public. For example, if he says, "More juice!" at a friend's house, I might say to the friend, "Can L. have more juice, please?"
I also remind my kids to use polite words when it is really important by sharing with them how good it feels to hear them. For example, "When you say please, I feel so appreciated!"
Mostly, I want my kids to have the emotions behind the manners, and not just saying the words out of rote conditioning or fear of punishment. Feeling gratitude and appreciation are often expressed by saying "thank you." These feelings can also be expressed through a hug or a warm smile. Likewise, kindness and respect are expressed through "please." They can also be expressed through tone of voice and facial expression.
What do you think? How are you teaching your kids manners?
I want my kids to be warm and connected when they talk to people and I know that in our culture, words like please and thank you are appreciated. But I'm not a parent who focuses on manners, nor do I constantly remind them to use "polite words."
This got me to thinking about how kids learn about language and communication. I tend to follow loosely the philosophies of Unconditional Parenting and Connection Parenting.
These ways of being with kids through connection rather than coercion just makes sense to me. Rather than using punishments, threats, bribes or rewards to get kids to do what we want them to do, these parenting philosophies create a deeper connection to our kids that invites them to be in a relationship with us and model our behavior.
Likewise, these methods see childrens' behaviors as expressions of needs and look to meet those needs in a positive way, rather than constantly coaching them to do "what is expected."
However, I don't follow any ideal perfectly. I believe that as parents, we must be flexible to work with the needs of our unique family and trust our instincts. No book or philosophy can tell you everything about your own kid!
From the Unconditional Parenting perspective, manners are learned through modeling not through nagging. Children, especially very young ones, are sponges. They are learning behaviors and language through listening and watching us. When I speak to my kids respectfully and use the polite words I would love to hear from them, they learn manners. Unfortunately, kids in our culture are often treated as lesser beings. When I hear people say how "kids today are so disrespectful," I am not surprised as they are so often disrespected because they are "just kids."
When we shame our children, nag them to use particular words, lecture or criticize them, we can disconnect them from learning. Their prime motivation is to be in relationship with us, and nagging, shaming and bribing to get them "to behave" can squelch that connection.
The other day at the park I watched a mother pushing her daughter on the swing. Every time the swing came back to the mother, the little girl said, "Higher, mama!" The enthusiasm and joy in her voice was precious. The mother, however, held the swing and said, "What do we say?" "Please?" the little girl added - as a question.
Watching this interaction, I felt curious about what this little girl was learning. Was it more important to say the right thing, which is what her mother wanted, than to be enveloped in a sense of wonder and joy?
You have probably heard someone use words like please and thank you with coldness and anger. The energy behind the words is as important as the words themselves!
With my toddler, I model the way I would like him to talk to others in the way I talk to him. Often, I will say please and thank you for him when we are in public. For example, if he says, "More juice!" at a friend's house, I might say to the friend, "Can L. have more juice, please?"
I also remind my kids to use polite words when it is really important by sharing with them how good it feels to hear them. For example, "When you say please, I feel so appreciated!"
Mostly, I want my kids to have the emotions behind the manners, and not just saying the words out of rote conditioning or fear of punishment. Feeling gratitude and appreciation are often expressed by saying "thank you." These feelings can also be expressed through a hug or a warm smile. Likewise, kindness and respect are expressed through "please." They can also be expressed through tone of voice and facial expression.
What do you think? How are you teaching your kids manners?
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I’m not teaching my kids manners… but my deep seated habit of saying “please,” “thank you,” “your welcome,” and “excuse me,” at all the appropriate times has certainly rubbed off on my toddler! Most times she will say those words. Once in a while I’ll whisper to her, “did you want to say thank you?” since I know she likes saying it. People often comment on how polite she is, and ask what I did to get her to say all those things. I just tell them that’s how I talk to her!
I certainly don’t expect a two year old to say the “right words,” all the time. Luckily most of the adults around us can see when she is too engrossed and excited about something to come out with the words, and her feelings mean so much more.
I read an interesting article about Montessori education and communicating with children that suggested that when you use the word ‘please’ with your child you should be prepared for them to have the option to refuse - please is a polite request, not a sugar-coated demand. So if I need my child to put her shoes on, it’s “You may put your shoes on now so we can go to music class,” whereas “Can you please sweep under your chair?” is something I would like her to do and hope she accepts to be helpful, but also know she has the right to tell me she’s too busy to do at that time. I wasn’t sure how I felt about this at first but after trying it out, realized how often I was using ‘please’ in situations where she did not really have a choice - and therefore should not be surprised when, upon asking me may she PLEASE have another cookie, she was confused or even outraged to find the answer was no. Grappling with when to use please and when not to has definitely made all of us think around here about what is a request, what is an instruction, and how we can communicate clearly with a respectful and giving heart.
I have an 11-year-old and two 14-month-old toddlers. They 11yo does need some reminding of table manners. That seemed to just disappear in the 5th grade. We try to be gentle about it and change the subject. The toddlers are not talking yet, but I say please and thank you to them too. They have leaned the sign for “more” while eating. So now I have added “please” to that and they are picking it up very well. They are quite proud when we say “More please?” back to them when they sign it. :)
I use those words with my two girls, and for the most part, they use them at the appropriate times.
There have been a few times at the grocery store, when they may have forgotten to… when a sticker or balloon was involved, and I was shocked to hear the cashier ask them: “What do you say?” One cashier at Trader Joe’s actually lectured my 2 year old about the importance of “Please and Thank You.” for at least 30 seconds, almost grilling her to see if she even knew what to say. I was completely taken aback by that, and speechless. I left the store feeling somewhat powerless. I don’t think Ruby understood what had just happened, but it bothered me.
I wondered if it was worth it to defend the fact that she was 2 years old, and didn’t always remember perfect manners 100% of the time, or to just let it go. At that point, I just let it go, because I didn’t know what else to do.
There was another time when I was in a different store, and my 6 year old asked for a sticker. Again, she didn’t say please, and the cashier sort of dangled the tray over her head, asking “what do you say?”
The person behind us in line said: “Good for you, dear!”
Again, I left the store completely mortified, feeling like I’d failed my child in the ways of our society.
I don’t know if I’m overreacting, but I guess I just need to figure out a respectful way to respond so I don’t dread the check out line over a stupid thing like a balloon or a sticker for my kids.
Although… perhaps rather than looking at this as a confrontational instance, I should look at it as an opportunity to ask for the desired object, using those words for them and set an example there too, thereby respectfully explaining my method of example over coercion.
What’s interesting though, is we do get a lot of compliments about how generally well-behaved, and polite they are most of the time. I really do feel that it’s by example and not conventional conditioning on my part. I say both “please” and “thank you” to them when I need them to either do something, or give me something they happen to be holding at the time. I have never once said: “What do we say?”
Just as kids may pick up our less than proud habits from us, they will also pick up the good ones, and I love that!
I don’t insist on please and thank you from my kids, but I do insist that they be polite and respectful in the way that they ask for things. If they say “more juice NOW mommy”, that doesn’t get me jumping up to help them. But if they say “mommy, could I have some more juice”, I’m not going to insist on the “please” at the end of it.
In addition to modelling, we do sometimes make a game out of please and thank you. Not nagging, but playing around.