This is the time of year most of us are gathering with extended family and friends who we don’t see regularly and who might have very different lifestyles and beliefs. While the holiday season is a time of celebration and connection for families, it can also be stressful on relationships. Getting caught up in the demands of party planning, shopping madness and focusing on perfection can only increase the tension between family members.

Rather than having that same fight every year with your mother about how to cook the turkey or trading barbs with your least favorite uncle about immigration reform, make a commitment this year to practice healthy, positive communication. Remember, if you care about communication, it is up to you to take the lead. Simply by modeling respect, you are inviting others to participate. And remember the old saying, "Little pitchers have big ears?" Your kids are listening and learning from everything you say and do.

Principles for Healthy Communication

• Practice listening: Often we listen with only one ear and plan our reply before the other person has even completed a sentence. Take a few extra moments and listen for the feelings and needs in the person talking rather than focusing on their opinions.


• When you feel upset, take time to reflect before you react. Make a self-inquiry like: What is the real issue here? What do I need from my relative/partner/friend? And sometimes, just counting to 10 is enough time to reflect instead of exploding in anger.


• Speak up when something is upsetting you. But first, ask yourself: "Can I let this go?" While it is important to share your own thoughts and feelings, consider the benefits of avoiding unnecessary conflict. It can be a real waste of energy and time to butt heads with someone who is not going to budge on their position anyway. You might just decide that discussing politics with your parents is not fruitful or fun for anyone.


• Don't blame, shame, interrupt, diagnose, label, analyze, preach, moralize, demand, warn, interrogate, ridicule, or lecture another person. You might read through the above list and think, “of course I wouldn’t!” But think again: it is so easy to mask blame or imply demand in the most innocuous statements.


• Use "I" language: Use "I feel" instead of "You are" - but watch out for "I think you…" By speaking from your own feelings and needs rather than about someone else’s actions or opinions, you are taking ownership of your experiences. Remember, you are not a victim and no one can make you feel anything. Your feelings come from within you.


• Don’t tell another person what he/she thinks or feels or should think or feel.


• Offer empathy, even if you don’t agree with opinions or strategies. If you listen for the feelings and needs in the other person’s words, rather than judging their ideas, you are much more likely to stay connected. And remember, while we all have different beliefs, we have very common needs.


• Make requests that truly reflect your own needs. And remember, a request is different than a demand! A true request does not imply blame if it is not carried out (like a demand) or reward if it is carried out (like a bribe).

For more information on healthy communication, try these resources:

• The Center for NonViolent Communication


• Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication, A Language Of Life


• Marshall Rosenberg’s Raising Children Compassionately, Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way


• Inbal Kashtan’s Parenting From Your Heart: Sharing the Gifts of Compassion, Connection, and Choice