As a piano teacher, there are certain times of year when I can predict that my students will start dropping out of the program. Late spring is a popular time – baseball schedules and First Communion classes begin filling calendars – as is the time around the winter holidays, when parties and school events seem to multiply overnight. Families recognize that their plates are too full, and in a sudden panic, they start cutting out activities. I understand this is a fact of life, and although I am always sad to see a student go, it can be not just a painless experience for all involved, but a positive one. Follow these basic guidelines and you'll be in the clear when gracefully bowing out of an activity is what's best for your child.

• Give some warning. As a piano instructor, I always appreciate it when a parent says, “James is just not interested in piano the way he used to be.” That gives me the opportunity to try something different: a fun contemporary piece, a challenging rhythm game or a more hands-off approach that helps him to be more independent. Even if James ultimately still decides to quit, I know I’ve tried my best. On the other hand, I feel completely blindsided if a parent suddenly calls or e-mails and declares they’re finished, effective immediately.


• Let your child take the initiative. Obviously, this is more appropriate for some ages than for others; I wouldn’t tell a five-year-old to tell his soccer coach he won’t be returning. But by late elementary or middle school, your child should be learning that his choices affect others, too. Explain to him that he made a commitment to his coach, and if he wants to break that commitment because he’s tired of playing, he needs to be the one to tell his coach about his decision. (This is also a very tricky way of getting your child to honor a commitment you think he needs to keep. My parents used it successfully on me several times; I was so sure my piano teacher would burst into tears if I quit that I stuck it out even when I was tired of practicing!)


• Say goodbye. In a perfect world, teachers and coaches would be able to retain a completely professional attitude with all of their young charges. In reality, as we all know, bonds are forged between us that can last years or even decades. Even if quitting is the most logical or best course of action, don’t deny your teacher the chance to bid farewell to your child in a meaningful way. It’s so disappointing when a parent cancels the final lesson at the last minute, and it’s truly gratifying when she makes an effort to give closure by saying goodbye. And a word about milestones: Sometimes it makes sense to stick with the activity until a milestone is reached (the end of the season, a recital, a merit badge). At other times, to do so would mean stretching your patience dangerously thin. Try to avoid the latter, and if you can’t make it to the end, don’t feel guilty; it’s your time at stake, and your job as a parent to spend it as wisely as you can.


• Remain positive. Focus on the good things your child has received through the instruction of his teacher or coach: discipline, knowledge, skill or a sense of humor. If at all possible, have your child write a letter of thanks or draw a picture (whichever is more age-appropriate) and include a note from yourself, too. A gift is always appreciated, but not necessary, and certainly doesn’t have to cost much (a plate of cookies is a thoughtful gesture).


• Don’t burn your bridges. This is not the time to criticize a program or instructor. No matter how badly you’d like to set him straight, it’s a waste of time to try to change his mind in a matter of minutes. Follow the law of good karma, the Golden Rule, and plain common sense – you never know what the future may hold, and if you happen to meet this person again, you won’t want to have left on a sour note. Above all else, ensure you have settled accounts before you depart. You may think you’re being thrifty by quitting just before the next payment is due, but you will come across as small-minded and petty. Again – karma!


• Limit activities in the future, and you won’t have to cut any of them short. Most parents have a very hard time with this. It might help to remember that children can get excited about almost anything – that’s why we love them – but that doesn’t mean they should participate in every activity that excites them. Don’t feel bad about prioritizing for your child, especially if she is young. If an activity seems important to you, make it mandatory, and interest and even enthusiasm will often follow over time; there's no way to know unless you try. A good rule of thumb is to let the parent choose one activity for the child, and let the child choose another for herself. In my family, the requirement was music, as we attended small private schools with limited arts budgets. We all studied instruments and sang in choirs throughout our school years, and our self-chosen activities rotated from year to year: sports, drama productions, even a literary club. This gave us a solid foundation in one area while allowing us to explore other options, and prevented burnout on the part of both participants and chauffeurs.

Ultimately, it's as important for children to live a life free from the stress of overcommitment as it is for adults, if not more so. But just as we try to teach our children to be gracious after they’ve lost a basketball game, we should model good behavior when we decide to curtail an activity.

With a pared-down activity list, make sure to enjoy your slightly more tranquil life with your child!

Guest contributor Emily Lowe is a regular contributor to the ZRecs gardening and nature blog Gardenaut.