Are you overcommitted? Do you often feel exhausted and resentful? As a busy parent, you might be happier and have more harmony in your life if you master the art of saying "No" gracefully.

Why is it so hard to say no? Many of us grew up learning that our value is measured by our usefulness to others. Because we are relational beings, we do want to contribute to the people in our lives. But, remember, when you are burnt out, you are less present and have less to give. By learning to say no when you really don’t have the energy or attention (or desire) to do something, you will be able to give more when you say yes!

Five reasons saying no can be so difficult

• We don’t want to disappoint others. Often, saying no means that we are not meeting someone else’s expectation of us.


• We have trained the people in our lives to expect us to always say yes. In doing so, we are worried our relationships will change if we say no.


• We want to be loved, accepted and respected. Because we often measure our own value by what we give to those in our lives, it can be easy to over-give, especially if our self-esteem is challenged.


• We are givers by nature. While this is a great quality, we just need to learn how to give to ourselves too! In doing so, sometimes saying no to others is appropriate.


• We never learned to say no. Many of us lack role models in our lives who are comfortable saying no. Because of this, we don’t know how to say no lovingly.

Which of the above reasons are true for you? Identifying what gets in your way of being comfortable with saying no is the first step to shifting this dynamic.

Five steps to help you no gracefully

1. Always say, “Let me get back to you,” when you know the answer is not an absolute yes. This will help you break the habit of saying yes without thinking about it first. And it gives you some time to consider your options and approach.


2. Check in with yourself to see how much you really want to say yes. Ask yourself this question: “If I knew that it wouldn’t upset anyone, would I say no?”


3. Make sure you feel clear before giving your answer. When you feel guilty or conflicted, the other person easily picks up on it.


4. Keep your answer simple and don’t over-explain yourself. Speak about your needs and feelings. “Being on the committee sounds like a fun opportunity, but I really need to spend more time with my family on the weekends, so I am going to pass.” It often helps other people to understand your reason for no when you share with them what you are saying yes to instead (more time with the family, better self-care…)


5. You may be able to say no and still help in another way: Offer to help brainstorm about who else might be able fill the request or other resources that would support the person who is hearing your no.

Would you rather people do things with you or for you because they feel obligated or feel guilty? Or would you rather them only say yes if they truly have the time and energy to do so?

If the latter (and I'm guessing that's you!), then give the same gift to the people in your life.