Have you ever heard yourself say something like, “My husband never helps with the dishes,” or “My kids never listen?”

How about, “My toddler always throws a tantrum when I leave him at childcare,” or “My teenager always has a bad attitude on the weekends.”

The words always and never are powerful.

The unconscious mind can be very literal. When you or your child hears something as final as, “You never,” or “He always,” your minds may register that statement as truth. Especially when the words are repeated often and with strong emotion. Always and never also limit the possibility for positive change. As parents, we are the ones who teach our children what is possible for them. Why would we want to limit them when growing and changing are what they do best?

These words also create a strong expectation. When you continue to claim always and never thoughts with a negative impact, you might have an emotional reaction before the event even happens. For example, if you are very attached to the idea that your toddler always has a tantrum when you leave, you might begin to feel anxiety before it is time to drop him off at childcare. Similarly, when your child hears that he never cleans up his room, he has little reason to do anything different.

He wouldn’t want to prove you wrong, after all!

If you find yourself using these words regularly, you might want to consider changing this habit, especially if the things you are claiming always and never happen are contrary to what you would like to experience.

We often get what we expect, especially when it comes to our children. They are sensitive beings who respond to our words and emotions. Be sure to leave room for the kinds of improvement you would like to see by keeping your language more open. Simply rephrasing a statement about your toddler’s tantrums to “Sometimes my toddler throws a tantrum when we leave. We are seeking ways to help him feel better." Or, “I am getting better about asking for help with the dishes.”

Be sure that you are not using the negative always and never instead of just asking for what you need. If you need more help with something, instead of complaining that your family never helps, ask them for help! And if you find your child is always doing something that upsets you, digger deeper and find out what they are really communicating to you!

If you really want to use always and never, try them in more positive and uplifting statements like, “I always find the resources I need,” or “My child can never do anything to lose my love and attention.”

I bet you will feel different when you adjust your language to match your intentions. And perhaps you will find that your experiences change as well!