Are you the parent of a teen or preteen and concerned about maintaining a healthy connection to your child?

Are you the parent of a younger child and feel worried about what the teen years might have in store for your relationship with your child?

In our society, teenagers are often portrayed as difficult, rebellious, dangerous and in need of direction. But is this really true?

I consulted two moms who share this message: Don't believe the hype! The teen years can be wonderful and magical. Avert a connection crisis – start now to build a trusting relationship with your preteen/teen.

Lyla Wolfenstein B.S., IBCLC, RLC is a parent educator, lactation consultant and mother of two children, one of whom is a teenager. Emily Troper, ECE, is an early parent educator and mother of four – including one teenager. Both women teach workshops on Connected Parenting.

TP: Popular thinking tells us that teenagers automatically rebel in order to figure out their own identity. Is this true?

Lyla: In my experience, rebellion is not necessary if individuation is celebrated and supported. If a teen's unique interests, passions, perspectives and ideas are valued and supported – especially if they are different from their family's – they are able to "find themselves.” Rebellion, in my observation, is really about escaping oppression and control. Teens also need to make their own mistakes, take risks and learn to trust themselves. The more we as parents allow and even create opportunities for those experiences, the less our kids will need to rebel.

Emily: I think that parents need more perspective about what life is really like for an adolescent. Teens are consumed with figuring out their place in the world and often feel alone, while their bodies and brains are going through a major transformation.

The biggest way to stay connected is to listen on a frequent and regular basis. Ask them "real" questions about their experience or opinions. Give them opportunities to contribute in meaningful ways. Spend planned "special time" with them doing something they like to do.

TP: Most parents use "grounding" as a way to get their teenager to follow rules. What do you recommend?

Lyla: I have had the opportunity to observe the results of grounding on many teens we know. Without fail, the teen being grounded doesn’t remember why they were grounded (and therefore what they are supposed to be learning) nor do they respect and obey the grounding. In fact, several teens I know sneak out in the middle of the night, take buses across the city, smoke, etc… all while they are grounded!

Not only do I not recommend grounding, I don't recommend any technique to "get" a teenager to follow rules. In fact, although I realize this may sound foreign and like parenting heresy to some, I don't recommend establishing rules! I have found living by principles much more effective than living by rules. When there is a deep connection and trust between parent and teen, there is no need for rules. The parent can rely on their connection with the teen to communicate limits and concerns, as well as needs and problems. And so can the teen! When a relationship is based on connection and trust, rather than domination and distrust, the need for rules and control falls away and is replaced by communication and problem solving.

TP: But, what about discipline?

Emily: Discipline is about teaching and guiding, not making someone feel bad for what they've done. Grounding, like all punishment, just makes teens feel bad, and people who feel bad don't do better. An attitude of acceptance and support from parents goes a long way - teens naturally want to live up to the family values, especially when their parents are understanding when they make mistakes.

Instead of punishments, I recommend being clear about the limits, and giving empathy when your teen doesn't like your limits. Be open to reconsidering your limits, and really listen to and consider your child's ideas. Often there is an underlying need that can be met in a way that also works for the parent. If we assume positive intent from our teens, then we will be able to address their feelings and give them what they really need.

TP: What can parents of younger kids do now to make the teen years easier?

Emily: Listen, listen, listen! Be willing to hear everything they are willing to share: the light stuff and the dark stuff. Be the most safe and understanding person in your child’s life. Show respect for your child – don't dismiss their feelings and thoughts as "dramatic" or "ridiculous."

Lyla: Parents of younger children can work on building connection and a relationship of mutual respect and trust rather than fear of punishment (stick) or desire for extrinsic reward (carrot). It's really helpful to look for as many ways to say "yes" in response to our children's interests and desires – to limit our limits so we can limit our battles.

We need to be the gateway to opportunity for our kids, rather than a barrier. We also have more life experience and can use that to model skills like “thinking outside the box” and the natural optimism that comes from thinking creatively. It's a paradigm shift for many of us, but it really is possible to be our children's partner and mentor, rather than their controller and limit-imposer.

Recommended Reading:

Gordon Neufeld, Gabor Mate, Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers

Mira Kirshenbaum, Parent/Teen Breakthrough, The Relationship Approach

Adele Farber, Elaine Mazlish, How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk

Alfie Kohn, Moving From Punishments and Rewards to Love and Reason

Online Resources:
Hand In Hand Parenting
Supporting Adolescents