In my last post, I talked about the building on your friendship as a couple, one of two important components in making your relationship work, as researched by psychologist John Gottman. Today I'd like to talk about the second step: Learning to regulate conflict. Note that we aren't talking about conflict resolution, but about conflict regulation. This is an important distinction. Many of the arguments that couples have are recurring, perpetual arguments that are often not easily solved and couples may need to learn to live with these differences over time and/or come up with ways of regulating how they handle these differences. Other issues are more readily solvable and learning how to work through these issues will have a dramatic impact on your relationship.

Gottman proposes four warning signs that you should watch for in order to determine whether or not your own relationship is melting down. These are summarized below.

Negatives Dominate

Warning Sign #1 is that there are more negative than positive behaviors occuring in your relationship. Research finds that in a relationship that is going well, there are five times more positive behaviors than negatives. In a relationship that is not going well, there is one positive behavior to every negative one. If you notice this negative leaning in your own relationship, it is important to work on building your friendship, becoming more positive in your attitude and thinking, and paying more attention to how you handle your partner's bids for attention.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Warning Sign #2 is what Gottman jokingly calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, four types of negative behavior you must watch for that are toxic: Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. Research has found that these four behaviors are strong predictors of divorce!

• Criticism is when a person adds blame to a complaint and attacks the character or personality of the partner. It implies that a problem is the partner's fault and often starts with "you" statements and often uses the words "always" and "never" in making the claim. It is important to learn to complain without blaming in a relationship. See my past post about how to make proper "I" statements for more on this.


• Defensiveness is when you deny the responsibility for the problem and put the blame on the other person. It is very important to be able to take some of the responsibility for the shared problems in your relationship.


• Contempt is when you make a statement that makes you sound superior to your partner and is usually in the form of a put-down or name-calling. Do remember that contempt can be nonverbal as well as words. You can show contempt just by the look on your face, or by rolling your eyes. It is important that you work on creating what Gottman calls a "culture of appreciation" in your relationship. Begin to express your love and pride, rather than looking for mistakes and flaws. Learn to comment when things are going right and show appreciation!


• Stonewalling is when one withdraws from the interaction. This can be an actual physical withdrawing or withdrawing of one's attention and focus. If a person is paying attention, it is easy to see because of visual clues, comments, or other listening behaviors. Sometimes a person stonewalls because the emotional intensity is too great and at these times it is important to have a way to signal to each other than you need a break. During the break it's important to use some deep relaxation techniques or do something to avoid maintaining the stress. See my post about how to lower your stress for some quick tips and ideas on this.

Caution: Flooding Ahead

Warning Sign #3 is that one of both people in the relationship get "flooded." Flooding is the feeling a person gets of being completely overwhelmed and is usually accompanied by uncomfortable feelings and a desire to get away from the situation. It is very important that you use some of the calming practices mentioned in the post linked above to calm yourself before continuing with your discussion. It is often when a person is flooded that things get out of control. Learning to take a break and pick up the conflict when you are both calmed down is very important.

Repair Attempts Rebuffed

Warning Sign #4 is that repair attempts fail. A "repair attempt" is when one of the partners notices that things are getting off track or fails in one of the other areas mentioned above and does something about it. He or she might say "I'm sorry," or "Let me say that differently," or "I really didn't mean to put you down." In successful relationships, these repair attempts allow the discussion to get back on track and are accepted by the partner. In relationships that are melting down, these repair attempts fail and the argument continues in a downward spiral. It is important to recognize when your partner is making a repair attempt, as well as to learn how to use them yourself when things are not working.

These are the things that Gottman suggests you need to watch for in your relationship. These warning signs can also be detected in your relationship with your children or in other important relationships in your life.

Does your relationship with your partner show any of these warning signs? In my next post I will summarize the steps for constructive problem solving. If you can't wait, Gottman's 10 Lessons To Transform Your Marriage is a great place to start.

Terry McNichols is a Marriage and Family Therapist who also blogs at Grace and Gravity and Are We There Yet?