Have you noticed how your assumptions, especially about the people in your life, can cause you a lot of worry and frustration?

For example, if your partner forgets to do something you asked him to do, you might assume he didn’t care enough to remember. Or if your friend says something you think is insensitive, you might decide she doesn’t respect you very much. And when your kids act out, you immediately decide you need to change their behavior so they “learn” how to behave.

But, you have another choice you can make. You can choose to assume “positive intent.”

This choice can literally change your life and your relationships. And it is so simple.

It begins with a willingness to assume that the people in your life have good intentions and are doing the very best they can with their resources and challenges.

This is an attitude that you consciously choose because it does not tend to come naturally to most of us! In our culture, we tend to assume the negative. When someone does something that is upsetting for us, we might assume they are trying to hurt us or don’t care about us. If the person is our child, we might assume they are being “bad.”

These reactions get in the way of you truly hearing the people in your life. And our assumptions are often based in previous experiences and not even connected to the present circumstance.

Everything a person does is a strategy to meet a need in the very best way they can in the moment. By assuming positive intent, you make a commitment to uncover the unmet need underneath the behaviors or actions that are causing you to be upset.

For example, when your toddler has a tantrum, assuming positive intent means understanding this his behavior is a signal that he is processing strong emotions. Instead of shaming or punishing him, you can create a safe space for him to release his feelings. Similarly, when your partner forgets to do something that is important to you, instead of blaming her, you consider how she might be overwhelmed or need more support right now.

When a friend makes a remark that hurts your feelings, you can respectfully share with him the way you felt when you heard it and ask him to clarify what he meant (instead of jumping to conclusions!).

When you assume positive intent, you set up an opportunity for increased connection and for creative thinking. When it comes to your children, assuming their best intentions is acknowledging that they are growing and learning and your job is to guide them in the most positive way you can.

And this starts by seeing them in the most positive light possible. As you focus on their strengths and their motivations, you will find creative ways to teach them how to get their needs met while still respecting boundaries.

Now, I am not suggesting that you set yourself up to be hurt by the people in the world who really might really have intentions to do you harm. When assuming positive intent, you still can express your own feelings and needs and set clear boundaries. And trust your intuition about situations that might be hurtful for you!

Think how much anger and irritation you can eliminate with this simple practice!