I discussed Bids and Turning in my last post about the teachings of psychologist John Gottman. Another one of Gottman's teachings has to do with the emotional bank account, a concept I'd like to talk about today. You can probably anticipate the basic concept, but it has some surprising implications for your relationships.

The concept of the emotional bank account is modeled after your financial bank account. We all know that we must continually make deposits into our bank accounts. If we don't, we will soon find ourselves overdrawn and in deep financial difficulties. The same is true of your emotional bank account. By turning toward your partner many times and in many ways throughout the day, you are making deposits into the emotional bank account. Turning away or turning against your partner depletes the bank account and causes you to experience relational difficulties. Think about ways that you can build up that bank account so that you will have a surplus when you most need it and not experience those relational overdraft fees!

One not-very-surprising premise is that you must have positives in your relationship to counteract the negatives. The surprising thing, however, is that it takes more positives to counteract negatives during times of apparent peace than during times of conflict. Let me explain. If you and your partner are arguing or in the middle of some other kind of tense situation, the expectation that one or the other person will be negative is understood. Research claims that it takes five positives to counteract a negative in the heat of conflict. And if you have been making regular contributions to your emotional bank account you will hopefully have built up a reserve to tide you over during times of conflict.

If, however, you say or do something negative during times of relative peace, the ratio changes. Researchers have argued that a negative that comes unexpectedly and catches the partner by surprise requires 20 positives to counteract it. An unexpected nasty remark or hurtful behavior, when the other person thinks things are going along smoothly, will cost you dearly. Bank penalties, interest, fees, the whole market crashing around your very feet!

Hopefully, you can see that this emotional bank account needs daily deposits, few withdrawals, and a lot of attention to make your relationship stable - and enjoyable! The deposits don't have to be grandiose gestures (although flowers, a date night, or a favorite meal couldn't hurt), but small acts of kindness throughout the day, an attitude of positive regard towards each other, and the willingness to give your partner the benefit of the doubt when things are rocky!