For those who didn't know already, buying a cow heart at the grocery store is not a cheap ticket to a great biology lesson. Turns out they just give you the parts people like to eat. No aeortas, chamber walls, nothin'. Still, five-year-old vegetarian she was, Z found it fascinating, cutting through muscle and fat with kitchen scissors and pushing blood around in the veins on the heart's exterior wall. Big discussion about blood and what it's for (review), what people eat when they eat meat (mostly muscles), the different kinds of muscles in the body, etc.

This picture would have been a lot funnier with Z in it. She was wearing her painting smock, which happens to be spattered all over with red paint, and wearing latex gloves. (Do they make those in kids' sizes?) Our dog had an excellent dinner tonight.

Working on deepening the friendship in your relationship can help you resolve address conflicts when you need to work on some of your important issues. But what if your problems aren't disagreements you can just "argue" your way through to a resolution?

John Gottman's research suggests that only 31% of problems are actually solvable! He calls the other 69% the "perpetual problems." The most important question is not whether you and your partner will have conflict, but how you get through the conflicts that occur. The Masters and Disasters approached the conflicts differently. Working through your conflicts assures that you will have greater relationship satisfaction.

Gottman posits four steps that are necessary to follow when regulating conflict. These steps are the Softened Start-Up, Accepting Influence, Repairing the Interaction and De-Escalation, and Compromise.

The Softened Start-Up

Gottman, in studying couples in relationships, found that the first three minutes of how a problem is raised will determine the outcome. He went so far as to begin predicting which couples would stay together and which would be divorced based on this first three minutes. Women are more likely to start a discussion with a harsh start-up. If you think you don't know how to do a "softened start-up," consider how you would usually treat a guest in your home. Try this out when bringing up a topic with your partner. You would never accuse a guest or use the same tone you might use with your partner.

Here’s an example of a harsh start-up: "You always ignore me at the breakfast table." A softened start-up might be: "I really would like to have more of your attention when we're sitting at the breakfast table." Can you tell the difference? This start-up needs to be a complaint, without blame; contain "I" statements rather than "you" statements; be clear, rather than requiring guesswork from your partner; be polite; show appreciation; and should not be a cataloging of all past wrongs!

Accepting Influence

So often in conflict we dig our heels in and become entrenched in our own opinion. In order to learn to regulate conflict, it is essential that you begin to learn to accept and understand your partner's point of view. Understanding that his/her point of view may have validity allows you to communicate understanding.

Repair Interaction and De-Escalation

A repair interaction is where you or your partner recognize that the discussion has gotten off track and is heading rapidly towards areas that you know won't be productive. One or the other of you may be experiencing flooding or used name calling or some other negative fighting trick that has derailed the discussion. Gottman suggests using an actual repair checklist to put up a stop sign and try to get back on track. Either partner can call a "time out" and use one of the phrases. Here are just a few examples from his checklist: "That hurt my feelings." "I feel criticized. Can you rephrase that?" "Let me try again." "I'm sorry, please forgive me." "I need things to be calmer right now." "Can we take a break?" "I see what you mean." The list is endless, and you can add your own calming repairs to the list.

Compromise

The fourth and final step is compromise. At this point, draw two concentric circles. In the inner circle, put the minimal points on which there is no possibility of compromise. In the outer oval, begin to identify the core areas where you can yield. Work together to find the areas of overlap, agreement, shared views, feelings, goals. Work on finding ways that you can develop a compromise plan.

Here's an example from my own life. My husband and I fought for years whenever we were in stressful driving conditions, usually vacations and unfamiliar cities. He drove and wanted me to read the map in the same precise way he would if he were reading it. I'm not a great map reader and I would get us lost and couldn't find our way back and my husband would be upset and we'd be lost in a strange city, mad at each other. My unyielding concentric circle was my need to feel safe and my desire for our vacation to be without conflict. My husband needed to know our location and feel in "control" of the situation and to be looked on as competent. Our compromise agreement was that I would drive and my husband would read the map! If he got us lost, I didn't get upset, I would just let him figure out a way back to the correct road. He enjoyed the map reading and the "control" and I enjoyed driving. We have carried this solution to our vacations as well as local car trips and have enjoyed our travels much more since finding this solution. With the advent of GPS, we no longer have the same relationship issues, but the example still stands out as one where we managed to compromise.

Would that we had a GPS for all of our relationship issues, right? Try out these four steps and see if you can become one of the "Masters of Relationships!"

Terry McNichols is a Marriage and Family Therapist who also blogs at Grace and Gravity and Are We There Yet?

In my last post, I talked about the building on your friendship as a couple, one of two important components in making your relationship work, as researched by psychologist John Gottman. Today I'd like to talk about the second step: Learning to regulate conflict. Note that we aren't talking about conflict resolution, but about conflict regulation. This is an important distinction. Many of the arguments that couples have are recurring, perpetual arguments that are often not easily solved and couples may need to learn to live with these differences over time and/or come up with ways of regulating how they handle these differences. Other issues are more readily solvable and learning how to work through these issues will have a dramatic impact on your relationship.

Gottman proposes four warning signs that you should watch for in order to determine whether or not your own relationship is melting down. These are summarized below.

Negatives Dominate

Warning Sign #1 is that there are more negative than positive behaviors occuring in your relationship. Research finds that in a relationship that is going well, there are five times more positive behaviors than negatives. In a relationship that is not going well, there is one positive behavior to every negative one. If you notice this negative leaning in your own relationship, it is important to work on building your friendship, becoming more positive in your attitude and thinking, and paying more attention to how you handle your partner's bids for attention.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Warning Sign #2 is what Gottman jokingly calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, four types of negative behavior you must watch for that are toxic: Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. Research has found that these four behaviors are strong predictors of divorce!

• Criticism is when a person adds blame to a complaint and attacks the character or personality of the partner. It implies that a problem is the partner's fault and often starts with "you" statements and often uses the words "always" and "never" in making the claim. It is important to learn to complain without blaming in a relationship. See my past post about how to make proper "I" statements for more on this.


• Defensiveness is when you deny the responsibility for the problem and put the blame on the other person. It is very important to be able to take some of the responsibility for the shared problems in your relationship.


• Contempt is when you make a statement that makes you sound superior to your partner and is usually in the form of a put-down or name-calling. Do remember that contempt can be nonverbal as well as words. You can show contempt just by the look on your face, or by rolling your eyes. It is important that you work on creating what Gottman calls a "culture of appreciation" in your relationship. Begin to express your love and pride, rather than looking for mistakes and flaws. Learn to comment when things are going right and show appreciation!


• Stonewalling is when one withdraws from the interaction. This can be an actual physical withdrawing or withdrawing of one's attention and focus. If a person is paying attention, it is easy to see because of visual clues, comments, or other listening behaviors. Sometimes a person stonewalls because the emotional intensity is too great and at these times it is important to have a way to signal to each other than you need a break. During the break it's important to use some deep relaxation techniques or do something to avoid maintaining the stress. See my post about how to lower your stress for some quick tips and ideas on this.

Caution: Flooding Ahead

Warning Sign #3 is that one of both people in the relationship get "flooded." Flooding is the feeling a person gets of being completely overwhelmed and is usually accompanied by uncomfortable feelings and a desire to get away from the situation. It is very important that you use some of the calming practices mentioned in the post linked above to calm yourself before continuing with your discussion. It is often when a person is flooded that things get out of control. Learning to take a break and pick up the conflict when you are both calmed down is very important.

Repair Attempts Rebuffed

Warning Sign #4 is that repair attempts fail. A "repair attempt" is when one of the partners notices that things are getting off track or fails in one of the other areas mentioned above and does something about it. He or she might say "I'm sorry," or "Let me say that differently," or "I really didn't mean to put you down." In successful relationships, these repair attempts allow the discussion to get back on track and are accepted by the partner. In relationships that are melting down, these repair attempts fail and the argument continues in a downward spiral. It is important to recognize when your partner is making a repair attempt, as well as to learn how to use them yourself when things are not working.

These are the things that Gottman suggests you need to watch for in your relationship. These warning signs can also be detected in your relationship with your children or in other important relationships in your life.

Does your relationship with your partner show any of these warning signs? In my next post I will summarize the steps for constructive problem solving. If you can't wait, Gottman's 10 Lessons To Transform Your Marriage is a great place to start.

Terry McNichols is a Marriage and Family Therapist who also blogs at Grace and Gravity and Are We There Yet?