We all have days we wish we could blot out with a giant eraser. Maybe you lost your patience and yelled at your kids, maybe you fed them mac-n-cheese and plopped them in front of the TV because you were exhausted (and then hid in the bathroom for a good cry), or maybe you ran around in circles all day and still got “nothing” done.

What do you tell yourself on your bad parent days?

What we tell ourselves is very important. Do you have a little voice in your head that sometimes says things like:

You are not doing a good job.

You are failing your kids.

Why can’t you keep it together?

If so, you are certainly not alone.

As humans, we give meaning to everything. It is what makes us emotionally complex and able to learn, but it also causes unneeded stress. Imagine how different it would be if you could just observe what happens and not judge yourself. What if you could learn from your mistakes and keep your self-esteem intact? What if you always recognized that you were doing your best?

Isn’t that what you would want for your own kids?

I think a wonderful approach to our own mistakes as parents is to treat ourselves like we want to treat our own children. You want to encourage your kids, offer them guidance and support, not shame them or make them feel “bad.”

For example, when your toddler has an accident in his training pants, you lovingly pat his back and say, “Its okay buddy, you used the potty three times already today.” Or when your teenager fails a test, you might ask him what kind of support he needs to be more successful at school. You focus on what he needs rather than what he did “wrong.”

You are a learning and growing parent, just like your kids. Give yourself the compassion and encouragement you need to thrive and be your best.

How can you give yourself a break today?

Are you the parent of a teen or preteen and concerned about maintaining a healthy connection to your child?

Are you the parent of a younger child and feel worried about what the teen years might have in store for your relationship with your child?

In our society, teenagers are often portrayed as difficult, rebellious, dangerous and in need of direction. But is this really true?

I consulted two moms who share this message: Don't believe the hype! The teen years can be wonderful and magical. Avert a connection crisis – start now to build a trusting relationship with your preteen/teen.

Lyla Wolfenstein B.S., IBCLC, RLC is a parent educator, lactation consultant and mother of two children, one of whom is a teenager. Emily Troper, ECE, is an early parent educator and mother of four – including one teenager. Both women teach workshops on Connected Parenting.

TP: Popular thinking tells us that teenagers automatically rebel in order to figure out their own identity. Is this true?

Lyla: In my experience, rebellion is not necessary if individuation is celebrated and supported. If a teen's unique interests, passions, perspectives and ideas are valued and supported – especially if they are different from their family's – they are able to "find themselves.” Rebellion, in my observation, is really about escaping oppression and control. Teens also need to make their own mistakes, take risks and learn to trust themselves. The more we as parents allow and even create opportunities for those experiences, the less our kids will need to rebel.

Emily: I think that parents need more perspective about what life is really like for an adolescent. Teens are consumed with figuring out their place in the world and often feel alone, while their bodies and brains are going through a major transformation.

The biggest way to stay connected is to listen on a frequent and regular basis. Ask them "real" questions about their experience or opinions. Give them opportunities to contribute in meaningful ways. Spend planned "special time" with them doing something they like to do.

TP: Most parents use "grounding" as a way to get their teenager to follow rules. What do you recommend?

Lyla: I have had the opportunity to observe the results of grounding on many teens we know. Without fail, the teen being grounded doesn’t remember why they were grounded (and therefore what they are supposed to be learning) nor do they respect and obey the grounding. In fact, several teens I know sneak out in the middle of the night, take buses across the city, smoke, etc… all while they are grounded!

Not only do I not recommend grounding, I don't recommend any technique to "get" a teenager to follow rules. In fact, although I realize this may sound foreign and like parenting heresy to some, I don't recommend establishing rules! I have found living by principles much more effective than living by rules. When there is a deep connection and trust between parent and teen, there is no need for rules. The parent can rely on their connection with the teen to communicate limits and concerns, as well as needs and problems. And so can the teen! When a relationship is based on connection and trust, rather than domination and distrust, the need for rules and control falls away and is replaced by communication and problem solving.

TP: But, what about discipline?

Emily: Discipline is about teaching and guiding, not making someone feel bad for what they've done. Grounding, like all punishment, just makes teens feel bad, and people who feel bad don't do better. An attitude of acceptance and support from parents goes a long way - teens naturally want to live up to the family values, especially when their parents are understanding when they make mistakes.

Instead of punishments, I recommend being clear about the limits, and giving empathy when your teen doesn't like your limits. Be open to reconsidering your limits, and really listen to and consider your child's ideas. Often there is an underlying need that can be met in a way that also works for the parent. If we assume positive intent from our teens, then we will be able to address their feelings and give them what they really need.

TP: What can parents of younger kids do now to make the teen years easier?

Emily: Listen, listen, listen! Be willing to hear everything they are willing to share: the light stuff and the dark stuff. Be the most safe and understanding person in your child’s life. Show respect for your child – don't dismiss their feelings and thoughts as "dramatic" or "ridiculous."

Lyla: Parents of younger children can work on building connection and a relationship of mutual respect and trust rather than fear of punishment (stick) or desire for extrinsic reward (carrot). It's really helpful to look for as many ways to say "yes" in response to our children's interests and desires – to limit our limits so we can limit our battles.

We need to be the gateway to opportunity for our kids, rather than a barrier. We also have more life experience and can use that to model skills like “thinking outside the box” and the natural optimism that comes from thinking creatively. It's a paradigm shift for many of us, but it really is possible to be our children's partner and mentor, rather than their controller and limit-imposer.

Recommended Reading:

Gordon Neufeld, Gabor Mate, Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers

Mira Kirshenbaum, Parent/Teen Breakthrough, The Relationship Approach

Adele Farber, Elaine Mazlish, How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk

Alfie Kohn, Moving From Punishments and Rewards to Love and Reason

Online Resources:
Hand In Hand Parenting
Supporting Adolescents

Jonah Lehrer has an article in The New Yorker this week about self-control, and in it discusses an interesting experiment conducted with four-year-olds: Provide them with a marshmallow, and explain that they can eat it now, but if they wait, they can have two. Things got really interesting when the study's author followed up with the kids years later:

Once Mischel began analyzing the results, he noticed that low delayers, the children who rang the bell quickly, seemed more likely to have behavioral problems, both in school and at home. They got lower S.A.T. scores. They struggled in stressful situations, often had trouble paying attention, and found it difficult to maintain friendships. The child who could wait fifteen minutes had an S.A.T. score that was, on average, two hundred and ten points higher than that of the kid who could wait only thirty seconds. [Link, Via Kottke]

Even more interesting to me is that there are a lot of videos on YouTube of parents conducting this experiment with their own four-year-old kids. Here's one video that has a long segment featuring a bunch of kids and their varying responses to being left alone in a room with a marshmallow. It's embedded in a pastor's sermon about temptation, which sent me searching around for a version with less commentary, but this really has the best footage out there. If you don't want the sermon (and again, it isn't my point in posting this) you can skip ahead to 0:42, and drop off where the preacher picks up again at 5:05.


We are absolutely doing this experiment with our own four-year-old daughter this weekend. I'm pretty sure we still have a few vegan marshmallows in the fridge from our last Whole Foods raid. We'll videotape it - that's what allows you to leave the room but see what went down afterward - but won't publish the clip (but hey, that's just us). I think it's best approached either in general terms (not reading your child's future into the result, but drawing conclusions about four-year-old behavior in general) or with a desire to understand your child's baseline ability to delay gratification - a complete inability to do so could go a long way in helping you help your child succeed.

I'd sure love to see what I would have done at four - my guess is, I'd have eaten the one marshmallow at around a minute and a half.