As parents, many of us have experienced this moment: You say cheerfully to your toddler or young child, “it is time to brush your teeth!” and reach for the brush and toothpaste.

“Noooo….” she howls, running out of the bathroom. Or you are greeted with a tightly closed mouth and a sullen face. Nothing you say or do seems to matter. This kid just does not want to brush her teeth. So what do you do?

Maybe you get frustrated and begin the battle. You try to coerce and convince. You chase them around the house, brush in hand. Maybe you get so frustrated (and attached to your idea that it has to happen now) that you pry their little mouth open and brush them anyway, fighting against their resistance.

If you have done any of those things, you probably know it doesn’t feel very good!

You care about your children’s health. You want them to have strong teeth and minimal dental procedures. Brushing their teeth is an act of love, so of course you want it to be loving. Also, you don’t want them to have negative associations with an activity (oral hygiene) that they need to take care of their whole lives.

I recently chatted with some other moms who, like me, are committed to having a respectful, cooperative relationship with their children. Here are some ideas that came out of the conversation about working with kids when they do not want to brush their teeth:

1. Be playful! Find a fun puppet who enjoys brushing teeth and make it a game. Consider buying several toothbrushes with different themes and let your child choose. Use funny voices or songs to make it more interesting. Invite your child to brush your teeth first and then switch and brush theirs!


2. Offer options. Ask your child where he would like to brush his teeth, sometimes changing rooms can be helpful. We sometimes bush our toddler's teeth in bed. If the child is really resisting using the toothbrush, wipe their teeth with a washcloth. Often you can get them just as clean and the change makes it more agreeable. Xylitol toothpastes are another option that can work really well.


3. Share information. By age two, many children can understand some of the reasons behind teeth brushing. Saying simply “we need to get your teeth clean,” might be enough. Or, if you want to give more details, you can explain how little bugs (bacteria) get on teeth and eat tiny holes into them, causing pain. They may want to clean off the bugs! Don't share this if you feel it might scare your more sensitive child.


4. Be flexible! Realize that skipping one night of brushing is not going to be the end of the world. If your little one really needs to say “no” then let it go for a night. You might find much more resistance the next night if you force the issue! If you do skip a brushing, invite your child to rinse their mouth with water or teach them to swish water around in their mouths. They will probably love spitting it out in the bathtub! The most important thing is to put more attention into what they are telling you through their resistance rather than focusing on "getting it done."


5. Create a routine. Many children do not resist toothbrushing if it is part of the nightly ritual from early on when the first teeth appear. Be casual about it, like it’s just one of the things done each night, like putting on pajamas and reading a book. This has been a successful approach in our home.


What works in your home to make teeth brushing easier?

Are you raising boys? Have you noticed how different boys and girls are in terms of their behaviors and self-expression? As the mama of two boys, one age two, the other much older at 16, I often feel like I don’t quite understand what my sons need.

I turned to Parent Coach and Waldorf Educator Janet Allison to answer some questions about raising boys. Janet teaches a popular workshop “Boys Alive!” and has an e-book “Boys Alive: Bring Out Their Best!”

The Tranquil Parent: I often feel like I don’t know how to speak my sons' language. What do I need to know about boys that will help me communicate with them better?

Janet Allison: Less is more! Knowing how male and female brains developed differently through time gives parents a new perspective on why "boys will be boys.”

Females developed in groups, working together and nurturing children together. They depended on their relationships to survive. Their ability to process verbally was a key part of this and so female brains developed with many areas for processing verbal input. The male, who was hunting, required less verbal input, relying more on visual/spatial input. Scientists have found that the male brain has 25% less connecting nerve fibers between the right and left hemispheres and less places to process verbal input overall.

So moms talk a lot and boys have less places to process that verbal input. This slows their response time - sometimes up to 60 seconds! If we overwhelm them with too many words, they get frustrated and tune us out. And then we get frustrated when they don’t respond immediately!

Boys tend to respond to how something is said, rather than the words that are being said, which makes your tone of voice crucial. Keep your voice firm and neutral. To do this, make sure you are taking a moment to breathe deep and low into your belly before speaking.

TTP: My younger son has so much energy! What can I do to help him use his energy in a positive (rather than destructive) way?

Allison: Here are simple ideas for channeling your son’s energy:

• Look at your home through your son’s eyes. What adaptations can be made? Is there too much clutter? Simplicity eliminates overwhelming choices (and when boys are overwhelmed or uncomfortable, they often translate those feelings into running around and making noise.) One mom decided to pack away her antiques for a few years, rather than constantly yelling and fearing they would be broken.


• Provide ‘open-ended’ toys that inspire imaginative play. A fire truck with bells and whistles can only be that but a wooden block on wheels can be an amphibious land-rover, a pirate ship or a race car. Outdoor areas with water, sand, mud and sticks provide hours of imaginative and adventurous play. A metal bar across a doorway provides countless ways to build muscle and burn off energy. Tie a strong cloth around the bar and it becomes a swing or a book nook. A small trampoline also provides an acceptable physical outlet indoors.


• Adapt your expectations of behavior by simply acknowledging and accepting boy energy. Think of how “boy energy” has contributed to creating spaceships, bridges and skyscrapers. Celebrate and channel it!


• If boys are expected to "sit still" for awhile, make sure they have some physical play time first. Then provide a squishy ball or beeswax, so they have something to play with. Teachers are realizing that addressing this need in school actually helps boys listen better!

TTP: What are some of the most important things that Dads can teach their sons?

Allison: Moms need to understand the role of testosterone in their son’s life. It is important to know that it is responsible for aggression, risk-taking and impulsivity. It is the hormone that helped our ancestors actually kill the beasts they were hunting!

It is even more important, though, that the men in your son’s life teach him how to handle his testosterone. Boys must learn to control their impulses and their fathers can teach this self-control. Roughhousing and wrestling provide opportunities for learning to stop when things have gone too far.

Men are also key in teaching boys to respect women. And this begins with Mom. Hopefully, it is being modeled, but it must also be explicitly taught. “You may not talk to your mother in that tone of voice. How else can you say that?” Remember, your boy will likely grow to be bigger than his mom, and so an attitude of respect and care for her must be taught early.

Praise from dad (or uncle or grandpop) is worth 10 times more than praise from mom. Be specific in your praise - describe what you saw him do, the effect it had on others, how you felt - you are increasing his emotional vocabulary.

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Book recommendations from Janet Allison:

• Sharifa Oppenheimer, Heaven on Earth: A Handbook for Parents of Young Children


• Michael Gurian,The Wonder of Boys


• Kim John Payne, Simplicity Parenting (scheduled for release in summer 2009)

What tips and techniques are you using to work with your boy’s energy? Leave a comment!

As parents it can be a real challenge to keep up with the busy schedules of every member of the family. Especially as kids get older, you might feel like everyone is going in a different direction!

I recommend creating a Family Calendar on a large (around 3 x 2 feet) whiteboard and posting it in a prominent place in the house. Having a visual reminder of the appointments and events for each member of the family can create more structure and accountability. And even if you just have young children, posting the schedules of both you and your partner can add ease when coordinating childcare, doctor’s appointments and family events.

Here are some tips for making your own Family Calendar:

On the top half of the board, draw a permanent grid in black marker to hold dates for two weeks. In the lower half of the board draw one section titled “Family Goals” and another titled “Notes.”

In the calendar section of the board, you can enter the upcoming dates in erasable marker. Assign a different erasable pen color for each family member and one for the family as a whole. Every other Sunday evening after dinner, ask family members for their upcoming events, dig through the kid’s school schedules and extracurricular activities, check your work calendar and put it all in one place! Be sure to include the times of the events to you can clarify any conflicts.

Hold a family meeting and compile goals to list in the “Family Goals” section of the board. (And stay tuned next week for a detailed post on creating family goals for the New Year!) To make sure you are successful with your goals, revisit Set yourself up for success with better goal setting. In our family, we have listed goals like: Raise the money to buy a new Mac Book Pro by Jan. 1st, Organize the basement and get rid of boxes by March 1st, Sign up Liam for Community Center Art Class by Feb. 15th.

For the “Notes” section of your board, create a system where family members can jot down a missed phone call, reminder or other request. Keep it current by erasing items when they are complete.

For our family, the Family Calendar has allowed us to feel like we are working together instead of vying for time apart. Every member’s needs are taken into consideration as we work to manage our time in a respectful way. This teaches important relationship skills to kids like teamwork and communication. It also makes it easier to track where your time is going and prioritize when you feel overwhelmed. And scheduling all-family events on the calendar helps you reserve time together, a precious gift!

How do you coordinate your own family’s scheduling needs?