Are you the parent of a teen or preteen and concerned about maintaining a healthy connection to your child?

Are you the parent of a younger child and feel worried about what the teen years might have in store for your relationship with your child?

In our society, teenagers are often portrayed as difficult, rebellious, dangerous and in need of direction. But is this really true?

I consulted two moms who share this message: Don't believe the hype! The teen years can be wonderful and magical. Avert a connection crisis – start now to build a trusting relationship with your preteen/teen.

Lyla Wolfenstein B.S., IBCLC, RLC is a parent educator, lactation consultant and mother of two children, one of whom is a teenager. Emily Troper, ECE, is an early parent educator and mother of four – including one teenager. Both women teach workshops on Connected Parenting.

TP: Popular thinking tells us that teenagers automatically rebel in order to figure out their own identity. Is this true?

Lyla: In my experience, rebellion is not necessary if individuation is celebrated and supported. If a teen's unique interests, passions, perspectives and ideas are valued and supported – especially if they are different from their family's – they are able to "find themselves.” Rebellion, in my observation, is really about escaping oppression and control. Teens also need to make their own mistakes, take risks and learn to trust themselves. The more we as parents allow and even create opportunities for those experiences, the less our kids will need to rebel.

Emily: I think that parents need more perspective about what life is really like for an adolescent. Teens are consumed with figuring out their place in the world and often feel alone, while their bodies and brains are going through a major transformation.

The biggest way to stay connected is to listen on a frequent and regular basis. Ask them "real" questions about their experience or opinions. Give them opportunities to contribute in meaningful ways. Spend planned "special time" with them doing something they like to do.

TP: Most parents use "grounding" as a way to get their teenager to follow rules. What do you recommend?

Lyla: I have had the opportunity to observe the results of grounding on many teens we know. Without fail, the teen being grounded doesn’t remember why they were grounded (and therefore what they are supposed to be learning) nor do they respect and obey the grounding. In fact, several teens I know sneak out in the middle of the night, take buses across the city, smoke, etc… all while they are grounded!

Not only do I not recommend grounding, I don't recommend any technique to "get" a teenager to follow rules. In fact, although I realize this may sound foreign and like parenting heresy to some, I don't recommend establishing rules! I have found living by principles much more effective than living by rules. When there is a deep connection and trust between parent and teen, there is no need for rules. The parent can rely on their connection with the teen to communicate limits and concerns, as well as needs and problems. And so can the teen! When a relationship is based on connection and trust, rather than domination and distrust, the need for rules and control falls away and is replaced by communication and problem solving.

TP: But, what about discipline?

Emily: Discipline is about teaching and guiding, not making someone feel bad for what they've done. Grounding, like all punishment, just makes teens feel bad, and people who feel bad don't do better. An attitude of acceptance and support from parents goes a long way - teens naturally want to live up to the family values, especially when their parents are understanding when they make mistakes.

Instead of punishments, I recommend being clear about the limits, and giving empathy when your teen doesn't like your limits. Be open to reconsidering your limits, and really listen to and consider your child's ideas. Often there is an underlying need that can be met in a way that also works for the parent. If we assume positive intent from our teens, then we will be able to address their feelings and give them what they really need.

TP: What can parents of younger kids do now to make the teen years easier?

Emily: Listen, listen, listen! Be willing to hear everything they are willing to share: the light stuff and the dark stuff. Be the most safe and understanding person in your child’s life. Show respect for your child – don't dismiss their feelings and thoughts as "dramatic" or "ridiculous."

Lyla: Parents of younger children can work on building connection and a relationship of mutual respect and trust rather than fear of punishment (stick) or desire for extrinsic reward (carrot). It's really helpful to look for as many ways to say "yes" in response to our children's interests and desires – to limit our limits so we can limit our battles.

We need to be the gateway to opportunity for our kids, rather than a barrier. We also have more life experience and can use that to model skills like “thinking outside the box” and the natural optimism that comes from thinking creatively. It's a paradigm shift for many of us, but it really is possible to be our children's partner and mentor, rather than their controller and limit-imposer.

Recommended Reading:

Gordon Neufeld, Gabor Mate, Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers

Mira Kirshenbaum, Parent/Teen Breakthrough, The Relationship Approach

Adele Farber, Elaine Mazlish, How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk

Alfie Kohn, Moving From Punishments and Rewards to Love and Reason

Online Resources:
Hand In Hand Parenting
Supporting Adolescents

“Mom, I’m sooo bored! What can I do today?”

If you fear these words coming out of your child’s mouth this spring, you must read on to find creative ways to cure your kids of the inevitable cases of boredom!

A new study in the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine reveals that almost 1 in 5 preschool-aged children are obese. That comes to a total of 4 million obese children!

We all know that physical activity is an excellent way to prevent childhood obesity. Kids are designed by nature to move and play and dance and giggle. With a few simple suggestions, you can help your kids burn off their energy and prevent childhood (and adult) obesity in the easiest ways!

• Be a good role model for your children. Encourage your children to view physical activity as a natural and enjoyable part of your day, not a forced or dreaded habit. Remember the many benefits of exercise for your entire family: increases self-esteem, helps to control weight, builds healthy bones, reduces stress levels and teaches team-building skills.


• Encourage physical activity with the entire family by taking group walks, playing games with your children or participating in weekend events in the backyard or parks.


• If your child participates in organized sports, be sure to reward his effort and enthusiasm, not just her demonstrated talent on the playing field.


• Consider limiting the time your children watch television or play video games to no more than an hour per day. Instead, encourage your children to find indoor fun activities which simply involve more moving and less sitting (hide-and-seek, dancing).


• Stuck inside on a chilly weekend? Consider buying a disco ball and throwing a Friday night dance party for your kids and their friends! Grab a hula hoop or jump rope for more indoor fun with music. Amazon has great deals on jump ropes and hula hoops! Add a little gymnastics into the mix, and try out forward somersaults or handstands against the wall. Or buy an indoor basketball hoop or mini trampoline.


• When buying toys and presents for your children, choose toys that would encourage moving such as bikes, balls and outdoor equipment. Try to minimize the number of toys which encourage them to play inside or sit in front of the TV or computer. Check out this cool website for more creative ideas, http://www.mindandfitness.com/servlet/StoreFront. Offer positive reinforcement for any activity in which your children participates and encourage them as they express interest in new activities.


• Make a weekly goal for getting your family to the swimming pool this spring by finding a family-friendly indoor swimming pool or water park. Most kids are extremely active at the swimming pool without any needed encouragement from mom or dad, and this can be a wonderful form of exercise for their growing bodies. If you child is ready, consider swim lessons to increase their confidence level and enjoyment of the pool.


• Still feel like life is too hectic and busy for structured activities in your family? Incorporate small lifestyle changes into your day. Park your car in the farthest spot from the grocery store or shopping mall entrance. Take the stairs when possible. Encourage your children to run/race to the next store when this is safe.


• Encourage your children to take the dog for a walk 1x/day. Even if the walk is short, you will be teaching them a sense of responsibility and the importance of exercise for everyone, including the pup!


• Consider doing a family one-mile run this summer. Check out www.active.com for races across the country.

Need more guidance? Try printing out this activity pyramid and sticking on your fridge at home, or print the blank pyramid and fill in for your family’s choices. It will serve as a daily reminder for your family to go outside and get moving and grooving!

Is it a rainy day? Are the kids bored? Are you bored? Want to reuse some old junk you don't have the heart to throw away, or to learn how to fix something yourself? If you answered yes to any of these questions, visit a DIY website to learn all sorts of new ideas. Here are a few sites and projects from them to inspire you and make you feel a little like MacGyver.

Instructables

Instructables features featuring member created instructions, including DIY projects, written step by step with photos or sometime video. Some great projects include:

• How to use spaghetti to paint like Jackson Pollack


• Make your own light saber


• How to make an ottoman out of an old suitcase


• Recycling Plastic Shopping Bags into Yarn

Craftzine

The formerly-in-print Craft magazine now channels all of its energies and talents into its free online website. Projects include:

• How-To: Make a Laptop Bag Out of Fused Plastic Shopping Bags


• Soda Bottle Coin Purse


• Mending a moth-eaten cardigan


• How-To: Make a Kitchen Cupboard Message Center

Make-Stuff

Make-Stuff is for people who, you got it, like to make stuff! Sections include Kid’s Crafts, Recycling, and Holidays. There isn’t as much on this website and they don’t include photos. There are also some instructions available to those who have paid to become a premium member.

Ready-Made

Ready Made Magazine's website isnt' as good as the magazine itself, but has a section called “Project Archive” where you can search for project according to different categories like “Sew It”, “Reuse It”, and “Craft It”, and find complete instructions for great projects like:

• Kitchen Skin Care – make your own skin care products in your kitchen


• High Fidelity – Reuse a vintage radio to hide desktop speakers


• Stereo Lab – Recycling an old laptop to turn a built in stereo cabinet into an mp3 center


• Broken Flowers – Turning chipped dishes into showpieces

Have any favorite DIY sites or DIY projects to share? Tell us all in the comments!