One of the comments I received on my "I Statement" post had to do with the feelings involved when you are actually confronted with someone else's I statement about your own behavior. This brings me to another helpful exercise that I have used with clients throughout the years, but more importantly, one I use on myself.

In the early years of my marriage, I often got my feelings hurt by exchanges with my husband or other family members and would sometimes take several days before I was ready or willing to move on. The pain of rejection or of just being “wrong” was more than I could bear emotionally. I would get an extremely uncomfortable “knot in my stomach” at these times that kept me from functioning at a very high level.

What I have learned over time, however, is that often there are deeper feelings underlying my present thoughts, feelings, or reactions. It is important to start to recognize those other issues and find a way to confront them.

A word of warning: This exercise has the power to pull up very strong memories or images from your past. If what you bring up is more than you expected, or you are aware of abuse or trauma in your background, you need to consider doing some work with a therapist to help you walk through the issues that have perhaps been ignored from your past. More often, however, the particular image that you are able to evoke comes from a time in your early childhood when you experienced a similar feeling or fear and might seem minor to you as an adult.

Body Talk

The theory behind this exercise is that you developed a coping skill in your past that was necessary to your survival or your understanding of the world, usually at a very young age. As an adult, however, that same coping skill is now the culprit, leading you to act in ways that aren’t using your full maturity and potential. Paying attention to the body message helps you begin to regain that control and act differently. I’ll describe the exercise and then give you an example of my own to illustrate its use.
I am not sure where credit belongs for this exercise. I learned it from a fellow therapist and have expanded it on my own.

1. Contact

Put an open palm on that part of your body where you are feeling something. Concentrate on the feeling. See how it “looks” as in what color, size, shape; does it move around, or stay in one place? Size of a grape? Or a football field? Make any sounds? Use your imagination. The better you describe the feeling, the more successful the exercise can be. Be sure you can feel the warmth of your palm on that body part, using the gentleness you would with a newborn infant.

2. Thank You

Say out loud to your gut – even if it feels stupid: “Thank you for sending me a message that I have something to pay attention to!”

The guiding principles are twofold:

• All my feelings are my friends/on my team. They are acting in my best interest in sending me this feeling. (I suspect you usually try to make this gut feeling go away, right?)


• Feelings are messengers, not the message. Greet them as you would any messenger: with warmth and curiosity.

3. Invitation

Say this: “I am willing to understand and change the pattern in me which is leading to this feeling.” (Are you willing?) Then invite your subconscious mind, inner child, or God (depending on what your belief system is about these things) to send you a hint, picture or memory about what is behind the messenger.

A response can take five seconds, or it can take five months, of repeated invitations. Don’t reject anything that comes. Lots of times clients will have a picture of themselves as child, and say, “Oh, I was sure that wasn’t what you meant...” Take whatever comes to you.

When you get a response, follow it until you can complete the following:

• Can you see that you were doing the best, given the circumstances? Think this one through. What could you have possibly done at that time to change things? If a child, would you have been able to take control of the adults in the picture? If a teen, how much real power did you have to change your world?


• Do you have other better ways of responding now? Name them. Be creative again. There are lots of things one can do differently as an adult than they could have as a child or younger person.


• Would it be all right to give up that old way of responding?

4. Affirmation

Say: “This is an old feeling that belongs to back then. I can let it go!” The theory is that your gut is reacting as it learned as a younger person, not as you today would actually act, given all your resources. Your body’s natural healing response that helped you survive as a younger person is now automatically reacting to situations where you don’t really need to feel it in your gut.

Say: “This is his/her feeling, not mine. I can let it be!” To be used when your reactions are really you feeling something someone else should be feeling and taking care of!

5. Thanks Again

Say: "Thank you again for sending me a message. I am going to do whatever is necessary so that you won’t have to work so hard on my behalf.” This is you, making a promise to your gut.

From here out, you should begin to notice every time your stomach takes over for you and try to find those different ways of responding, rather than the old reaction. Then you begin to keep shorter accounts. If I feel my gut go off, for example, I know that there is something I need to take care of, and I immediately do so. Example: When your gut goes off, first you put your hand on your stomach and send yourself the thanks again message; then maybe you need to go and talk to someone or write a letter or just wait and see if you can let go of the anger, frustration, or whatever feeling it is.

If you don’t get a picture in exercise above, then begin to notice every time your gut goes off and ask again for the picture, until you have one. Or, you will find that just paying attention makes change start to happen.

The great debate

Body Talk has done significant things both for myself and for clients I have worked with. Here’s an example from my own past.

My son was competing for a state title in debate when he was in high school. I attended the final competition and was sitting in a chair with such a knot in my stomach I could not see how I could stay in the room and watch. Instead, I went through the above exercise.

I received an immediate response to my request. I saw a picture of myself at five or six years old, sitting on my father’s lap, looking out a window and waiting for my mother to return. She had gone to watch a fire in town - a hobby she would probably be arrested for today if she were found attending fires just for the excitement! But this particular time, I knew that my mother had gone to see a very large fire and my stomach was in knots. As I ran through this exercise in my head and thanked my gut for giving me a message to attend to, I was able to realize that the anxiety of the moment had its roots in the past. I made the statement in this instance that “This is an old feeling that belongs back there; I can let it go.” The statement, “This is his feeling, not mine; I can let it be,” also applied. I was able to release the anxiety and fully enjoy the challenge my son had undertaken. By the way, he came in second, but should have been first in state! [Aw, thanks Mom. – Ed.]

Even if you only begin to do the first part of this exercise – the part about noticing and thanking your body for reminding you to pay attention – I hope you will begin to see changes in yourself and how you act in relationships.

Terry McNichols is a Marriage and Family Therapist who also blogs at Grace and Gravity and Are We There Yet?

Just after writing my last post and claiming that I don't give advice unless asked, I broke my own rule. During a recent wonderfully intense family visit, I gave some unsolicited advice regarding the care and tending of my precious grandchildren! My daughter, who has been taught by the expert, was quick to bring this error to my attention, using perfect "I" statements. Alas, I took offense, defended myself, and was just a little bit hurt. We were able to talk through the situation, and I managed to remember that an "I" statement is meant merely to express one's feelings and try to come up with a workable solution to a problem area.

I make this admission to acknowledge that even years of training cannot always ensure perfect conformance to healthy behaviors. My hope for myself, and for you, is that practice, practice, practice, and the strong desire for better relationships will win out. Each time we are aware of the fact that our reactions are just that - reactions - we are a step closer to finding out healthier ways of relating to those we love. One exceptional tool for managing our emotions and presenting them in a way that can help encourage open and non-defensive dialogue is the use of "I" statements.

Taking the blame out of conflict

Before learning about "I" statements, I would often feel hopeless and discouraged. I would get that gnawing anxiety in my gut and try even harder to make things work. I did not realize that trying to change the behavior of another person is not within my control. "I" statements taught me to analyze what it was I was feeling, what I wanted and needed and helped me find a way to communicate those feelings, wants and needs to another.

What is an "I" statement? It is a way of communicating to someone that is assertive. It allows one to bring up and discusses a problem without accusing or blaming the other person as the cause of the problem. Think about your last conflict with a family member or co-worker. How often do those discussions begin with the word "you"? And how often do they deteriorate into a conflict that often grows beyond the disagreement at hand? No one likes to be accused and no one responds well to a discussion that begins with criticism or blaming comments. Let's use an example to see how to use "I" statements effectively. In this scenario, you are upset with a friend or family member who calls you 5 or 6 times throughout the day, and you would like to find a way to limit the calls without losing the relationship.

The "I" statement format

Here's the basic format of an "I" statement-driven conversation.

When you ______________

I feel ____________________

Because I _______________

Would you consider _______________________?

(Or/so _______________________ )

The format is designed to help you state your position to another individual that is healthy and does not attack them and put them on the defensive. It is a fantastic tool for helping to set boundaries when you feel anxious or upset with someone else.

"When you" must be followed by a non-blaming statement of fact. This is perhaps the hardest part of the exercise. The normal reaction when angry or upset is to attack the other individual. If you can find a way to state the subjective behavior, it is less likely the person to whom you are talking will be angry and return the attack. To test yourself, ask how an outside observer or someone with a video camera would record the event. Example: "When you call me 5 or 6 times during the day..." Blaming statements: "When you check up on me..." or "When you don't trust me..."

“I feel” must be followed by a true statement of your feelings. If you use the word "like" or "that" to follow "I feel," you are not stating a feeling, but once again starting the attack. If you say "I feel that" or "I feel like," the very next word is usually "YOU" and is not a feeling. If the feeling expressed is anger, consider finding what is underneath the anger, and express that. (Anger usually covers hurt, sadness, frustration, etc.) Example: "I feel annoyed," or "I feel overwhelmed," not "I feel like YOU don’t trust me."

"Because I" is an attempt to further clarify what is the issue for you. It is important here, also, to stay away from blaming the other. The point of this exercise is to state your own position, in a non-blaming way, and offer suggestions. Example: "Because I want to be able to get my work done," or "Because I don’t like talking on the phone." (Not "Because I want you to quit pestering me.")

"Would you consider" is an attempt to offer reasonable ideas to try to resolve the problem. Example: "Would you consider limiting your calls to two per day?” or “Would you consider letting me call you once in a while?” or whatever might be a reasonable idea for the situation.

Now is the hard part. Sometimes the person with whom you are communicating will not consider alternatives and will not be rational and discuss the problem. Sometimes, it becomes necessary, for your own mental health, to set a boundary in spite of the other person's refusal to cooperate. In that case, you might need to use the "so" option. Example: "So, I am only going to answer my phone from 6:00 to 7:00 each day," or "So, I will need to screen my calls and talk to you twice a day."

Using this type of statement does not guarantee that the other person will agree or cooperate. Sometimes it is necessary to make the statement solely for yourself. If you manage to do so without breaking any of the rules, you should not have to feel responsible for the behavior of the other person.

Putting it into practice

It is very useful to write out this exercise several times before using it in a real-life situation, especially where emotions are high. Practice in situations that aren’t emotional first, or with cooperative people. Discuss it with your partner, friend, or parent to see if they will cooperate.

Here’s how it would look, using the above example:

"When you call me 5 or 6 times each day, I feel annoyed, because I don't like talking on the phone. Would you consider limiting your calls to one or two times a day?" Or "When you call me 5 or 6 times each day, I feel annoyed, because I don't like talking on the phone. I've asked you several times to limit your calls and that doesn’t seem to be working, so I am going to start screening my calls and answering one or two per day. I'm sorry that I have to do this, but I need to take care of myself. Maybe later we can go back to a different alternative."

Learning to use "I" statements effectively has the power to change your life and relationships. You will, on occasion, however, need to stand your ground firmly when the person to whom you are speaking refuses to listen or takes offense. It does take practice! It was my daughter's persistence in using “I” statement, rather than letting my reaction rule her behavior, that allowed us to continue our discussion and find a solution that worked for both of us.

Terry McNichols is a Marriage and Family Therapist who also blogs at Grace and Gravity and Are We There Yet?

We received some great reader comments to the ZRecs Family post on grandparents and family rules, and I wanted to follow up with some additional thoughts and suggestions. In particular, I wanted to touch on how some of the challenges new parents face in dealing with their own parents can relate to deep-seated issues that need to be addressed if your relationships are going to improve.

One comment gave some great examples of issues that have come up with a mother-in-law. One issue was the mother-in-law wanting to bottle feed a newborn immediately at birth and insisting that breastfeeding was gross and disgusting. Another example was grandparents refusing to abide by the well-established car seat rules, installing the car seat in the front seat so the baby could “see better and be happier." These two examples are obviously extreme and are areas on which parents should not even considering giving in.

Issues like this often suggest to me that something deeper is going on than the issue of whose rules will prevail. In the field of family therapy, it is well established that there are certain life passages that elicit very strong emotional pulls and can often trigger deep issues that have been dormant for some time. Think of the family system as a mobile. Whenever someone or something in the family changes, even slightly, the mobile swings wildly, upsetting the equilibrium of all of the members. Births, weddings, funerals and any other important life passages seem to be times of high tension and drama for most families.

My own mother became extremely emotional and irrational while attending the birth of my first child. I did not understand at the time that she was experiencing extreme menopausal symptoms, issues with my father’s health and her own issues related to her child becoming a parent. Passing through this life stage triggered something in her that made her feel old and useless and unnecessary. I must admit that I was not very understanding in my dealings with her and there are still painful memories attached to that time in life.

In defense of this particular MIL, whom I must admit is very difficult to defend, I would suggest the possibility of being non-reactive. In other words, begin to pay attention to the way you would have handled the situation in the past and find a new response. Do not immediately take offense, but begin to study what is going on in the situation. As am example, while biting your tongue, you might recite silently in your head "The one who talks next loses," or "Words once spoken can never be recalled," to calm yourself.

The bottom line is, the parents get to set the rules and need to establish safety, but as you are able to recognize that there are deeper issues at play here, you might find it possible to take the role of a researcher with this MIL. This can lead to both personal growth and a better shared understanding of what must be done. Begin to ask questions about what it was like for her when her children were born, who was there, what it was like. Ask about the way the children rode in cars, what the practices were in caring for her children. Do so as a researcher, as though looking in on the two of you in conversation, rather than as someone who feels attacked. As you learn to handle these issues differently, things are very likely to begin to change in ways that surprise you.

I realize this is very difficult to achieve and I am hopeful that my next post on making "I" statements will be useful in this regard.

If everyone can work at being particularly understanding and non-reactive during these particularly tense family times, assuming good intentions, families can move through these times of transition peacefully. In a future post I'll offer some tips about getting in touch with those initial responses and doing some work on your own responses.

Terry McNichols is a Marriage and Family Therapist who also blogs at Grace and Gravity and Are We There Yet?