Z and her grandmother decided to initiate a family Day of the Dead celebration this year. They prepared for this by setting up an altar for a couple of family members who had died, as well as taking a couple of trips to the local cemetery where many of Jenni's Czech ancestors, including Z's great-grandfather, Marcel Konecny, are interred.

Z knew Marcel as an oblivious toddler but has no memory of him now. On their pre-Day of the Dead cemetery visit, Z and her grandmother collected plastic flowers from every garbage can in the cemetery and decorated Marcel's grave with them. Since these were probably in the trash cans thanks to the groundskeepers, it should not surprise anyone to learn that this gorgeous display had been stripped from our own family's graves by the time we arrived at the cemetery on Sunday for our graveside picnic. They had been replaced by a single PVC pipe stuck in the ground as a helpful aid.


The family I married into has a sincerely felt if somewhat irreverent manner of attending to the memories of their dearly departed. Marcel was a tempestuous patriarch about whom a few chestnuts are routinely shared, channeling much of his legendary vigor in the process. When he died in 2005, an "extra" headstone was supplied by the U.S. military to commemorate Marcel's service in World War II, and was placed a few feet from his actual grave; the unintended consequence of this honor is that the living have not yet decided that having his date of death noted on his actual headstone is worth the engraving expense. It isn't hard to envision local residents of the year 2030 hoping for a fleeting glimpse of the world's oldest man.

Yet this is a family that chooses to spend the day after Halloween picnicking at the family plot, drinking moscato spumanti toasts in his honor, and explaining to a five-year-old why she shouldn't treat granite headstones as playground equipment.


Sometimes being remembered requires a little tolerance.


It beats being forgotten, doesn't it?

I repeatedly encounter conflict between grandparents and their adult children regarding whose rules should govern a grandparent's interactions with their grandchild. In one corner we find the elders, full of knowledge and advice, wanting to be validated and honored for their years of experience, confident that they know what's best for the child. In the other corner, we find the young or new parents, full of book knowledge, research findings, training classes, experience gleaned from close friends, their own personal values, and their unique experience with their child, who need to assert their own way of doing things. If you look around, you will find articles, advisors and advocates who will agree with whichever side you come down on.

The areas ripe for disagreement are legion!

• How much sugar or other unhealthy treats are okay?


• How much television, DVDs, or video game time should be allowed?


• How is discipline handled?


• What kind of books, movies, and activities are acceptable?


• How should bedtime be handled?


• Do you reward good behavior or promote self-validation?


• How much risk is tolerated?


• How are differences in religious beliefs addressed?

The list goes on and on.

But I'm here as a grandparent to tell you that I strongly believe that parents should be the ones who are make the rules for how their children are raised. They are, after all, the ones who bear the final responsibility!

Grandparents need to think back on their own beginnings as a parent, and remember what it was like for them. Each generation follows the popular trends of the day. Before Dr. Benjamin Spock came along, "in post-war American, parents were in awe of doctors and other childcare professionals; Spock assured them that parents were the true experts on their own children. They had been told that picking up infants when they cried would only spoil them; Spock countered that cuddling babies and bestowing affection on children would only make them happier and more secure. Instead of adhering to strict, one-size-fits-all dictates on everything from discipline to toilet training, Spock urged parents to be flexible and see their children as individuals.” [Source]

The trends of today which parents are following may be completely different than what the older generation learned. But there are many variations on what is the "right" way to parent. To repeat Dr. Spock, "parents are the true experts on their own children." When grandparents step in and override the rules of the parents, what message are we giving? We are saying that we know best and usurping the parents' authority, as well as undermining their own confidence in their parenting knowledge!

Unfortunately, the result of this conflict can be estrangement between the parties. This conflict often leads to reduced access to the grandchildren, more tension and arguing between the adults, and the children are the ones who suffer. Grandparents need to be in constant discussion with the parents, finding out how issues are handled and what the current house rules are. But with friendship and openness between all parties, everyone needs to be open to negotiating on things that aren’t working.

Here are some tips for navigating specific areas of this unique parent-grandparent relationship.

Advice

I make it a policy not to give advice unless asked or it is a life or death situation. I believe this allows the parents to come to me for advice, at times, and then it is carefully given, with disclaimers! Sometimes the parents aren't that sure of their own stand on an issue, but dig their heels in if they feel the grandparents are somehow taking charge. Parents need the freedom to test their theories, make their own mistakes, learn what works and what doesn't work. They need to be allowed to become the experts and feel confident in their own roles as parents. Hopefully, the relationship that develops will allow for grandparents to impart some of that knowledge they gained through their own experiences.

Consistency, but not a foolish one

Often the rules grandparents choose to break cause unnecessary hardship on the parents. Too much sugar, too late a bedtime, or too many hours sitting in front of a television often cause unruly behavior when the child returns home. If grandparents allow a child to talk back, that behavior then carries over into other relationships. Or breaking the rules can pit the child against his/her parents, saying “But Grandma (or grandpa) lets me..."

On the other hand, I also have a plaque in my kitchen that says "What happens at Grandma’s house stays at Grandma’s house!' I bought this plaque partly in jest, even though I do follow the parental rules. But there is a special relationship that a grandparent and child have, and that relationship is different than the one between parent and child. It is important to allow that "specialness" to have its own expressions. Grandparents should be allowed special dispensation at times, to bend the family rules, but here again, I believe this should be after open discussion with the parents, and consistent with the parents' wishes. I still follow the rule of healthy food before cookies, but I might be just a little less strict on how that rule is carried out. Or I might stretch the size of the cookie given! If, however, I completely break the rule, it won't be long before cookies-before-healthy food becomes the firm expectation at my house.

It is also okay to acknowledge that some of the rules are different. Your child needs to learn this about the world in general; for example, the rules at a friend's house need to be observed, even if those rules are different. My own grandchildren know that it is not okay to jump on my furniture. I have a much lower tolerance of chaos than some of their parents. My grandchildren have been told by their parents that different houses have different rules and that the rules of the house prevail. Thus said, I do not use this as an excuse to flaunt the family rules that have been set up.

Discipline and honesty

When discipline problems occur, I talk to the parents about what methods they are currently using to handle the problem, and try to use those methods as well.

It is never acceptable, in my book, to lie to the parents or ask the child to cover up something that the grandparents have done or rules that have been broken. This sets up a very unhealthy coalition between the child and the grandparent, bypassing the parents in the process, and teaching the child that lying is acceptable behavior. Co-opting a child to keep secrets is never a good idea.

Assuming good intentions

All said, it is very important for both sides in this issue to assume good intentions. There are often underlying issues from past relationships that are coloring those in the present - a topic we will explore at greater depth in future posts. But I know how much my adult children love their children, and I know that they know I share that love. We all want what is best for the child and we all want to maintain our own good relationships! We all need to step back, take a deep breath, and begin to work on own relationships so that the children can grow up in a healthy environment, free of strife between parents and grandparents!

Do any of these conflicts surface with your own or your spouse's parents? What strategies for handling them have worked for you? How could you handle them better?

Terry McNichols is a Marriage and Family Therapist who also blogs at Grace and Gravity and Are We There Yet?

I recently took care of my granddaughter Z in Las Vegas while her parents were attending a children's product trade show. Our grand time was suddenly interrupted when I experienced an emergency relating to my eye. Fortunately, I was able to get medical care quickly and we were back on the Strip attending a show that very evening. My incident, however, necessitated the wearing of a patch over my eye and my granddaughter’s reaction to this patch provided us with some very teachable moments!

Z was extremely concerned about my trauma and showed remarkable empathy when I returned from the surgery. She wanted to hold my hand and guide me over the curbs and pointed out every obstacle in my path. She even agreed to wear my extra black eye patch and walked around Las Vegas with me, satisfying her newfound curiosity about what it must be like to have the use of only one eye.

This empathic behavior, however, soon turned to embarrassment at having to walk around Las Vegas with someone who appeared to be playing pirates! The whole experience was beginning to wear thin. But Z was still kind and understanding, realizing that I had no other choice, and happy that I hadn't had to catch the next flight back to my home town.

Shortly after this experience, Zella's parents and I noticed her craning her neck and gawking at a woman who was obviously crippled and walking erratically. It was the perfect opportunity to talk to Zella about disabilities and how it must feel to others to be stared at in the same way we "pirates" were embarrassed by the odd looks. Using teachable moments like this is one way of fostering empathy in children.

For our purposes, a good definition of empathy is "the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another" [source] that leads to compassionate consideration of the feelings of others.

The New York Times recently published an article debunking some of the earlier findings on what helps foster empathy. In it, David Goleman discusses at length the importance of fathers to the development of empathy. "And despite earlier evidence that the relationship between mother and infant is a vital factor in learning compassion, new research suggests that the amount of time a father spends with a child is one of the strongest predictors of empathy in adulthood. The finding is from the first study of empathy that tracked young children into adulthood."

Another important research study showed children a movie of someone with spina bifida and then recorded whether the child would donate money to this child or keep the money for him/herself.

A major difference between the children who helped and those who kept the money was how their parents handled the child's own emotional outbursts, Dr. Eisenberg found. "What's critical is how parents deal with things like a child slamming the door in anger, crying or being anxious," she said.

At such moments children seem to learn a basic stance toward human suffering. Parents who are simply sympathetic, trying to soothe their children when they are upset, do not foster empathy. Children who receive such reactions "simply feel distress themselves when they see someone else who is upset," Dr. Eisenberg said.

It is the children of parents who are warm but who also set limits on their children's behavior who help when they see someone in distress, she said, adding: ''Parents who set certain emotional limits have children who help. These limits are taught at moments when a child slams the door in anger or stares at someone who is crippled, and parents let the child know that won't be tolerated."

These children, she found, were most likely to donate to the child in the film. The parents who were highly nurturing but permissive had children who tended to be more selfish. [Link]

What does "highly nurturing but permissive" mean to you, as a parent? Have you discovered any teachable moments in your own interactions with a child that may have helped deepen their empathic response to others?

Terry McNichols is a Marriage and Family Therapist who also blogs at Grace and Gravity and Are We There Yet?