I recently took care of my granddaughter Z in Las Vegas while her parents were attending a children's product trade show. Our grand time was suddenly interrupted when I experienced an emergency relating to my eye. Fortunately, I was able to get medical care quickly and we were back on the Strip attending a show that very evening. My incident, however, necessitated the wearing of a patch over my eye and my granddaughter’s reaction to this patch provided us with some very teachable moments!

Z was extremely concerned about my trauma and showed remarkable empathy when I returned from the surgery. She wanted to hold my hand and guide me over the curbs and pointed out every obstacle in my path. She even agreed to wear my extra black eye patch and walked around Las Vegas with me, satisfying her newfound curiosity about what it must be like to have the use of only one eye.

This empathic behavior, however, soon turned to embarrassment at having to walk around Las Vegas with someone who appeared to be playing pirates! The whole experience was beginning to wear thin. But Z was still kind and understanding, realizing that I had no other choice, and happy that I hadn't had to catch the next flight back to my home town.

Shortly after this experience, Zella's parents and I noticed her craning her neck and gawking at a woman who was obviously crippled and walking erratically. It was the perfect opportunity to talk to Zella about disabilities and how it must feel to others to be stared at in the same way we "pirates" were embarrassed by the odd looks. Using teachable moments like this is one way of fostering empathy in children.

For our purposes, a good definition of empathy is "the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another" [source] that leads to compassionate consideration of the feelings of others.

The New York Times recently published an article debunking some of the earlier findings on what helps foster empathy. In it, David Goleman discusses at length the importance of fathers to the development of empathy. "And despite earlier evidence that the relationship between mother and infant is a vital factor in learning compassion, new research suggests that the amount of time a father spends with a child is one of the strongest predictors of empathy in adulthood. The finding is from the first study of empathy that tracked young children into adulthood."

Another important research study showed children a movie of someone with spina bifida and then recorded whether the child would donate money to this child or keep the money for him/herself.

A major difference between the children who helped and those who kept the money was how their parents handled the child's own emotional outbursts, Dr. Eisenberg found. "What's critical is how parents deal with things like a child slamming the door in anger, crying or being anxious," she said.

At such moments children seem to learn a basic stance toward human suffering. Parents who are simply sympathetic, trying to soothe their children when they are upset, do not foster empathy. Children who receive such reactions "simply feel distress themselves when they see someone else who is upset," Dr. Eisenberg said.

It is the children of parents who are warm but who also set limits on their children's behavior who help when they see someone in distress, she said, adding: ''Parents who set certain emotional limits have children who help. These limits are taught at moments when a child slams the door in anger or stares at someone who is crippled, and parents let the child know that won't be tolerated."

These children, she found, were most likely to donate to the child in the film. The parents who were highly nurturing but permissive had children who tended to be more selfish. [Link]

What does "highly nurturing but permissive" mean to you, as a parent? Have you discovered any teachable moments in your own interactions with a child that may have helped deepen their empathic response to others?

Terry McNichols is a Marriage and Family Therapist who also blogs at Grace and Gravity and Are We There Yet?

A thoughtful photograph of someone's hands can sometimes capture more than a casual snapshot of the whole person. Inspiration & Stuff: Retold Gold tells a story that takes this even further, and the photograph she created has circulated widely on the Internet.

I was privileged to take a photo of "Five Generations of Women" shortly before my 93 year-old Grandmother passed away last year. The photo, shown below, features the hands of my Grandmother, Mom, Sister, Niece and Great-Niece. While I can't take credit for the idea, I was so happy to have had the suggestion & capture this moment. It inspired a friend of mine to do something similar which turned out so beautiful and a special keepsake prior to her father's passing.

Whether you have three, four, or even five generations still living in your family, you can capture something special with a photo like this during a reunion, wedding, or any other time everyone is together. [Via Grace and Gravity]