We received some great reader comments to the ZRecs Family post on grandparents and family rules, and I wanted to follow up with some additional thoughts and suggestions. In particular, I wanted to touch on how some of the challenges new parents face in dealing with their own parents can relate to deep-seated issues that need to be addressed if your relationships are going to improve.

One comment gave some great examples of issues that have come up with a mother-in-law. One issue was the mother-in-law wanting to bottle feed a newborn immediately at birth and insisting that breastfeeding was gross and disgusting. Another example was grandparents refusing to abide by the well-established car seat rules, installing the car seat in the front seat so the baby could “see better and be happier." These two examples are obviously extreme and are areas on which parents should not even considering giving in.

Issues like this often suggest to me that something deeper is going on than the issue of whose rules will prevail. In the field of family therapy, it is well established that there are certain life passages that elicit very strong emotional pulls and can often trigger deep issues that have been dormant for some time. Think of the family system as a mobile. Whenever someone or something in the family changes, even slightly, the mobile swings wildly, upsetting the equilibrium of all of the members. Births, weddings, funerals and any other important life passages seem to be times of high tension and drama for most families.

My own mother became extremely emotional and irrational while attending the birth of my first child. I did not understand at the time that she was experiencing extreme menopausal symptoms, issues with my father’s health and her own issues related to her child becoming a parent. Passing through this life stage triggered something in her that made her feel old and useless and unnecessary. I must admit that I was not very understanding in my dealings with her and there are still painful memories attached to that time in life.

In defense of this particular MIL, whom I must admit is very difficult to defend, I would suggest the possibility of being non-reactive. In other words, begin to pay attention to the way you would have handled the situation in the past and find a new response. Do not immediately take offense, but begin to study what is going on in the situation. As am example, while biting your tongue, you might recite silently in your head "The one who talks next loses," or "Words once spoken can never be recalled," to calm yourself.

The bottom line is, the parents get to set the rules and need to establish safety, but as you are able to recognize that there are deeper issues at play here, you might find it possible to take the role of a researcher with this MIL. This can lead to both personal growth and a better shared understanding of what must be done. Begin to ask questions about what it was like for her when her children were born, who was there, what it was like. Ask about the way the children rode in cars, what the practices were in caring for her children. Do so as a researcher, as though looking in on the two of you in conversation, rather than as someone who feels attacked. As you learn to handle these issues differently, things are very likely to begin to change in ways that surprise you.

I realize this is very difficult to achieve and I am hopeful that my next post on making "I" statements will be useful in this regard.

If everyone can work at being particularly understanding and non-reactive during these particularly tense family times, assuming good intentions, families can move through these times of transition peacefully. In a future post I'll offer some tips about getting in touch with those initial responses and doing some work on your own responses.

Terry McNichols is a Marriage and Family Therapist who also blogs at Grace and Gravity and Are We There Yet?

I repeatedly encounter conflict between grandparents and their adult children regarding whose rules should govern a grandparent's interactions with their grandchild. In one corner we find the elders, full of knowledge and advice, wanting to be validated and honored for their years of experience, confident that they know what's best for the child. In the other corner, we find the young or new parents, full of book knowledge, research findings, training classes, experience gleaned from close friends, their own personal values, and their unique experience with their child, who need to assert their own way of doing things. If you look around, you will find articles, advisors and advocates who will agree with whichever side you come down on.

The areas ripe for disagreement are legion!

• How much sugar or other unhealthy treats are okay?


• How much television, DVDs, or video game time should be allowed?


• How is discipline handled?


• What kind of books, movies, and activities are acceptable?


• How should bedtime be handled?


• Do you reward good behavior or promote self-validation?


• How much risk is tolerated?


• How are differences in religious beliefs addressed?

The list goes on and on.

But I'm here as a grandparent to tell you that I strongly believe that parents should be the ones who are make the rules for how their children are raised. They are, after all, the ones who bear the final responsibility!

Grandparents need to think back on their own beginnings as a parent, and remember what it was like for them. Each generation follows the popular trends of the day. Before Dr. Benjamin Spock came along, "in post-war American, parents were in awe of doctors and other childcare professionals; Spock assured them that parents were the true experts on their own children. They had been told that picking up infants when they cried would only spoil them; Spock countered that cuddling babies and bestowing affection on children would only make them happier and more secure. Instead of adhering to strict, one-size-fits-all dictates on everything from discipline to toilet training, Spock urged parents to be flexible and see their children as individuals.” [Source]

The trends of today which parents are following may be completely different than what the older generation learned. But there are many variations on what is the "right" way to parent. To repeat Dr. Spock, "parents are the true experts on their own children." When grandparents step in and override the rules of the parents, what message are we giving? We are saying that we know best and usurping the parents' authority, as well as undermining their own confidence in their parenting knowledge!

Unfortunately, the result of this conflict can be estrangement between the parties. This conflict often leads to reduced access to the grandchildren, more tension and arguing between the adults, and the children are the ones who suffer. Grandparents need to be in constant discussion with the parents, finding out how issues are handled and what the current house rules are. But with friendship and openness between all parties, everyone needs to be open to negotiating on things that aren’t working.

Here are some tips for navigating specific areas of this unique parent-grandparent relationship.

Advice

I make it a policy not to give advice unless asked or it is a life or death situation. I believe this allows the parents to come to me for advice, at times, and then it is carefully given, with disclaimers! Sometimes the parents aren't that sure of their own stand on an issue, but dig their heels in if they feel the grandparents are somehow taking charge. Parents need the freedom to test their theories, make their own mistakes, learn what works and what doesn't work. They need to be allowed to become the experts and feel confident in their own roles as parents. Hopefully, the relationship that develops will allow for grandparents to impart some of that knowledge they gained through their own experiences.

Consistency, but not a foolish one

Often the rules grandparents choose to break cause unnecessary hardship on the parents. Too much sugar, too late a bedtime, or too many hours sitting in front of a television often cause unruly behavior when the child returns home. If grandparents allow a child to talk back, that behavior then carries over into other relationships. Or breaking the rules can pit the child against his/her parents, saying “But Grandma (or grandpa) lets me..."

On the other hand, I also have a plaque in my kitchen that says "What happens at Grandma’s house stays at Grandma’s house!' I bought this plaque partly in jest, even though I do follow the parental rules. But there is a special relationship that a grandparent and child have, and that relationship is different than the one between parent and child. It is important to allow that "specialness" to have its own expressions. Grandparents should be allowed special dispensation at times, to bend the family rules, but here again, I believe this should be after open discussion with the parents, and consistent with the parents' wishes. I still follow the rule of healthy food before cookies, but I might be just a little less strict on how that rule is carried out. Or I might stretch the size of the cookie given! If, however, I completely break the rule, it won't be long before cookies-before-healthy food becomes the firm expectation at my house.

It is also okay to acknowledge that some of the rules are different. Your child needs to learn this about the world in general; for example, the rules at a friend's house need to be observed, even if those rules are different. My own grandchildren know that it is not okay to jump on my furniture. I have a much lower tolerance of chaos than some of their parents. My grandchildren have been told by their parents that different houses have different rules and that the rules of the house prevail. Thus said, I do not use this as an excuse to flaunt the family rules that have been set up.

Discipline and honesty

When discipline problems occur, I talk to the parents about what methods they are currently using to handle the problem, and try to use those methods as well.

It is never acceptable, in my book, to lie to the parents or ask the child to cover up something that the grandparents have done or rules that have been broken. This sets up a very unhealthy coalition between the child and the grandparent, bypassing the parents in the process, and teaching the child that lying is acceptable behavior. Co-opting a child to keep secrets is never a good idea.

Assuming good intentions

All said, it is very important for both sides in this issue to assume good intentions. There are often underlying issues from past relationships that are coloring those in the present - a topic we will explore at greater depth in future posts. But I know how much my adult children love their children, and I know that they know I share that love. We all want what is best for the child and we all want to maintain our own good relationships! We all need to step back, take a deep breath, and begin to work on own relationships so that the children can grow up in a healthy environment, free of strife between parents and grandparents!

Do any of these conflicts surface with your own or your spouse's parents? What strategies for handling them have worked for you? How could you handle them better?

Terry McNichols is a Marriage and Family Therapist who also blogs at Grace and Gravity and Are We There Yet?

I recently took care of my granddaughter Z in Las Vegas while her parents were attending a children's product trade show. Our grand time was suddenly interrupted when I experienced an emergency relating to my eye. Fortunately, I was able to get medical care quickly and we were back on the Strip attending a show that very evening. My incident, however, necessitated the wearing of a patch over my eye and my granddaughter’s reaction to this patch provided us with some very teachable moments!

Z was extremely concerned about my trauma and showed remarkable empathy when I returned from the surgery. She wanted to hold my hand and guide me over the curbs and pointed out every obstacle in my path. She even agreed to wear my extra black eye patch and walked around Las Vegas with me, satisfying her newfound curiosity about what it must be like to have the use of only one eye.

This empathic behavior, however, soon turned to embarrassment at having to walk around Las Vegas with someone who appeared to be playing pirates! The whole experience was beginning to wear thin. But Z was still kind and understanding, realizing that I had no other choice, and happy that I hadn't had to catch the next flight back to my home town.

Shortly after this experience, Zella's parents and I noticed her craning her neck and gawking at a woman who was obviously crippled and walking erratically. It was the perfect opportunity to talk to Zella about disabilities and how it must feel to others to be stared at in the same way we "pirates" were embarrassed by the odd looks. Using teachable moments like this is one way of fostering empathy in children.

For our purposes, a good definition of empathy is "the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another" [source] that leads to compassionate consideration of the feelings of others.

The New York Times recently published an article debunking some of the earlier findings on what helps foster empathy. In it, David Goleman discusses at length the importance of fathers to the development of empathy. "And despite earlier evidence that the relationship between mother and infant is a vital factor in learning compassion, new research suggests that the amount of time a father spends with a child is one of the strongest predictors of empathy in adulthood. The finding is from the first study of empathy that tracked young children into adulthood."

Another important research study showed children a movie of someone with spina bifida and then recorded whether the child would donate money to this child or keep the money for him/herself.

A major difference between the children who helped and those who kept the money was how their parents handled the child's own emotional outbursts, Dr. Eisenberg found. "What's critical is how parents deal with things like a child slamming the door in anger, crying or being anxious," she said.

At such moments children seem to learn a basic stance toward human suffering. Parents who are simply sympathetic, trying to soothe their children when they are upset, do not foster empathy. Children who receive such reactions "simply feel distress themselves when they see someone else who is upset," Dr. Eisenberg said.

It is the children of parents who are warm but who also set limits on their children's behavior who help when they see someone in distress, she said, adding: ''Parents who set certain emotional limits have children who help. These limits are taught at moments when a child slams the door in anger or stares at someone who is crippled, and parents let the child know that won't be tolerated."

These children, she found, were most likely to donate to the child in the film. The parents who were highly nurturing but permissive had children who tended to be more selfish. [Link]

What does "highly nurturing but permissive" mean to you, as a parent? Have you discovered any teachable moments in your own interactions with a child that may have helped deepen their empathic response to others?

Terry McNichols is a Marriage and Family Therapist who also blogs at Grace and Gravity and Are We There Yet?