Are you the parent of a teen or preteen and concerned about maintaining a healthy connection to your child?

Are you the parent of a younger child and feel worried about what the teen years might have in store for your relationship with your child?

In our society, teenagers are often portrayed as difficult, rebellious, dangerous and in need of direction. But is this really true?

I consulted two moms who share this message: Don't believe the hype! The teen years can be wonderful and magical. Avert a connection crisis – start now to build a trusting relationship with your preteen/teen.

Lyla Wolfenstein B.S., IBCLC, RLC is a parent educator, lactation consultant and mother of two children, one of whom is a teenager. Emily Troper, ECE, is an early parent educator and mother of four – including one teenager. Both women teach workshops on Connected Parenting.

TP: Popular thinking tells us that teenagers automatically rebel in order to figure out their own identity. Is this true?

Lyla: In my experience, rebellion is not necessary if individuation is celebrated and supported. If a teen's unique interests, passions, perspectives and ideas are valued and supported – especially if they are different from their family's – they are able to "find themselves.” Rebellion, in my observation, is really about escaping oppression and control. Teens also need to make their own mistakes, take risks and learn to trust themselves. The more we as parents allow and even create opportunities for those experiences, the less our kids will need to rebel.

Emily: I think that parents need more perspective about what life is really like for an adolescent. Teens are consumed with figuring out their place in the world and often feel alone, while their bodies and brains are going through a major transformation.

The biggest way to stay connected is to listen on a frequent and regular basis. Ask them "real" questions about their experience or opinions. Give them opportunities to contribute in meaningful ways. Spend planned "special time" with them doing something they like to do.

TP: Most parents use "grounding" as a way to get their teenager to follow rules. What do you recommend?

Lyla: I have had the opportunity to observe the results of grounding on many teens we know. Without fail, the teen being grounded doesn’t remember why they were grounded (and therefore what they are supposed to be learning) nor do they respect and obey the grounding. In fact, several teens I know sneak out in the middle of the night, take buses across the city, smoke, etc… all while they are grounded!

Not only do I not recommend grounding, I don't recommend any technique to "get" a teenager to follow rules. In fact, although I realize this may sound foreign and like parenting heresy to some, I don't recommend establishing rules! I have found living by principles much more effective than living by rules. When there is a deep connection and trust between parent and teen, there is no need for rules. The parent can rely on their connection with the teen to communicate limits and concerns, as well as needs and problems. And so can the teen! When a relationship is based on connection and trust, rather than domination and distrust, the need for rules and control falls away and is replaced by communication and problem solving.

TP: But, what about discipline?

Emily: Discipline is about teaching and guiding, not making someone feel bad for what they've done. Grounding, like all punishment, just makes teens feel bad, and people who feel bad don't do better. An attitude of acceptance and support from parents goes a long way - teens naturally want to live up to the family values, especially when their parents are understanding when they make mistakes.

Instead of punishments, I recommend being clear about the limits, and giving empathy when your teen doesn't like your limits. Be open to reconsidering your limits, and really listen to and consider your child's ideas. Often there is an underlying need that can be met in a way that also works for the parent. If we assume positive intent from our teens, then we will be able to address their feelings and give them what they really need.

TP: What can parents of younger kids do now to make the teen years easier?

Emily: Listen, listen, listen! Be willing to hear everything they are willing to share: the light stuff and the dark stuff. Be the most safe and understanding person in your child’s life. Show respect for your child – don't dismiss their feelings and thoughts as "dramatic" or "ridiculous."

Lyla: Parents of younger children can work on building connection and a relationship of mutual respect and trust rather than fear of punishment (stick) or desire for extrinsic reward (carrot). It's really helpful to look for as many ways to say "yes" in response to our children's interests and desires – to limit our limits so we can limit our battles.

We need to be the gateway to opportunity for our kids, rather than a barrier. We also have more life experience and can use that to model skills like “thinking outside the box” and the natural optimism that comes from thinking creatively. It's a paradigm shift for many of us, but it really is possible to be our children's partner and mentor, rather than their controller and limit-imposer.

Recommended Reading:

Gordon Neufeld, Gabor Mate, Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers

Mira Kirshenbaum, Parent/Teen Breakthrough, The Relationship Approach

Adele Farber, Elaine Mazlish, How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk

Alfie Kohn, Moving From Punishments and Rewards to Love and Reason

Online Resources:
Hand In Hand Parenting
Supporting Adolescents

If you need another reason to eat local and unprocessed foods, this is it. From today's New York Times:

ConAgra - which sold more than 100 million pot pies last year under its popular Banquet label — decided to make the consumer responsible for the kill step. The “food safety” instructions and four-step diagram on the 69-cent pies offer this guidance: “Internal temperature needs to reach 165° F as measured by a food thermometer in several spots.”

Increasingly, the corporations that supply Americans with processed foods are unable to guarantee the safety of their ingredients. In this case, ConAgra could not pinpoint which of the more than 25 ingredients in its pies was carrying salmonella. Other companies do not even know who is supplying their ingredients, let alone if those suppliers are screening the items for microbes and other potential dangers, interviews and documents show.

Yet the supply chain for ingredients in processed foods - from flavorings to flour to fruits and vegetables - is becoming more complex and global as the drive to keep food costs down intensifies. As a result, almost every element, not just red meat and poultry, is now a potential carrier of pathogens, government and industry officials concede. [Link]

SC Johnson, the company behind Glade, Pledge, Windex, Shout, the Nature's Source line of less-toxic cleaners, and air-freshening candles and sprays, announced this morning that in addition to removing phthalates from their entire product line, they've launched a website providing detailed product information which will include full disclosure of fragrance ingredients.

The move positions the company as the first major brand to completely eliminate phthalates, many of which have been shown to have troubling effects on fetal development in pregnant women, from its entire product line, and to "go public" with their product information in a way that clearly communicates they have nothing to hide from consumers.

"As a family company, listening and responding to consumers is SC Johnson's top priority," Chairman and CEO Fisk Johnson said in a company press release. "Today's families want to know what's in the household cleaning and air freshening products they use in their homes. Making information about the ingredients in our products readily accessible and easy to understand helps our consumers know they can continue to trust our products."

I'd credit companies like Seventh Generation - whose partnership with the Environmental Working Group has cracked open the issue of ingredient safety with their series of educational campaigns - with showing the marketable benefits of transparency for a company like SC Johnson, which already produces far less toxic products than many cleaning product companies.

The primary phthalate used in fragrances, DEP, was excluded from the Consumer Product Safety Improvement Act, a reauthorization and update of the powers and responsibilities of the Consumer Product Safety Commission, which went into effect on February 10. That act banned six phthalates - three (DEHP, DBP, and BBP) permanently, and three (DINP, DIDP, and DnOP) temporarily, while further studies are conducted - from all children's products. The fact that DEP was not included in this regulation suggests that it is considered less harmful than the other six, and this claim has been vigorously defended by the fragrance industry.

Johnson said as much in the company's statement announcing this change, and his frankness on this issue is commendable.

"The particular phthalate that raised concern - DEP - has been extensively researched and has been deemed safe by various scientific bodies," said Johnson. "But the larger class of substances in the phthalate family has been more hotly debated, and we understand that sometimes whole categories of substances can erroneously be seen as concerning despite individual items being safe. So even though the chemistry was sound, we decided that making sure consumers know they can trust SC Johnson products was well worth the time and cost to change them."

The company further reports that DEP was the sole phthalate that had been used in SC Johnson products. But their elimination from the brand continues a trend seen by researchers and activists watching the use of phthalates in the cosmetic industry. The Campaign for Safer Cosmetics announced in December of last year that it was finding significantly reduced levels of DEP (and phthalates generally) in cosmetics, despite industry claims of its safety.

Although fragrance information does not yet appear to be posted to the website, Johnson states that the company began working with suppliers to phase out DEP last summer.

Even more impressive than the company's announcement, however, is the actual website SC Johnson has created to share information about its products, What's Inside SC Johnson.

"The website is still a work in progress, but all ingredients are listed and then further broken down, so that you can actually research them individually if you so desire," said SafeMama's Kathy Scoleri, discussing the move on her blog this morning. "As it stands right now, it’s not mandatory (on household products), so a lot of people (including us) are left to guess as to whether or not it’s safe for our families." Scoleri noted also that the site is far from complete, and indeed, many product areas are not yet listed on the site. We're curious about those Glade Plug-Ins we always see commercials for, which I've always assumed are pretty bad news. I'd love for Glade to prove me wrong, for the sake of those hopped-up women in the commercials, if not for ourselves.

Information on ingredients in SC Johnson products will be available on their website, which is fast, in-depth, and user-friendly, as well as via phone and in more detailed product ingredient labels. The level of transparency is almost surreal, with an "MSDS" (Materials Safety Data Sheet) link at the foot of every page, which pops up a window offering the MSDS - a crucial, and often carefully guarded, piece of the chemical safety puzzle - for every SC Johnson product. You can view their truly groundbreaking website here.