Is it difficult for you to ask for help or seek support from other people? If so, you are not alone! From a young age, many of us have learned that asking for help is a sign of weakness. This fear often keeps us isolated from the very people who would love to be there for us!

I'm here to tell you that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of intelligence.

If you are going to be the kind of parent you want to be along with having a satisfying professional/personal life, keeping your household going, nurturing your most important relationships and contributing to your community, you need support.

You probably know what it feels like when you need more help. You are tired and overwhelmed. Maybe you feel resentful or have a short fuse. You can’t seem to find the time or energy to take care of yourself and you constantly feel like you are behind schedule, falling short of your own standards and not being the parent you know you could be. You might complain that the weight of the world is on your shoulders, you feel like you are drowning/sinking or you just can’t get caught up. All you want to do is escape (and often you do by watching TV, eating comfort foods or zoning out in front of the computer). All of these are symptoms of a need for more support.

So, why don't we ask for help?

• We are afraid we will appear weak or needy.


• It is too hard to explain how to do it “ right” to someone else.


• We don’t want to be disappointed by others.


• We don’t want to be rejected.


• We don’t want to owe anyone anything.


• "I can do it better."


• We don’t want to inconvenience anyone.

All of these reasons are great excuses for not seeking support, but are they really valid? Ask yourself: "If my friend asked me to help him with a computer problem, would I judge him as weak? If my sister wanted my support with a challenge in her life, would I then feel she owes me something?" And maybe you can do a job better than someone else, but is doing it better or being right really your ultimate goal? Sometimes, we choose between being in control and being happy!

What are some good reasons to allow others to help?

• People feel valued and respected by you for their contributions when you let them help you. As humans, one of our primary desires is to contribute to each other.


• You empower others. You teach them to trust themselves, to be resourceful and take responsibility. Especially if the person helping is your child!


• It creates authentic connection between you and another person. Being vulnerable and "real" with someone else will only strengthen the relationship. If it doesn't, do you really want them in your life anyway?


• You share your wisdom when you pass on the things “only you can do.” What would your family do if they were not able to do all the things that “only you” can do?


• You are a role model for your children. You can show them to feel safe asking for help.

Take a few minutes to think about what you most need help with in your life right now. If you could pass off anything to another person, what would it be? What would be the most supportive thing another person could do for you?

Here are a few supportive ideas:

• Have your groceries delivered when you are feeling stressed. Most stores charge around $10. It is an added expense in these challenging times, but what is your time worth?
  
• Find a great housecleaning service to come once or twice per month and do a deep clean of your home.


• Hire a "mother's helper" one afternoon per week.


• Start a childcare share or co-op with like-minded families.


• Get together and bake or cook with friends. Start a soup swap.


• Share yardwork/gardening with friends in the spirit of "Barn raisings." Take turns doing each other's chores together!


• Ask family members to help more around the house and make specific requests.


• Find ways to get the kids excited (no nagging) about doing things for themselves like laundry (older kids), cleaning up toys and preparing food.


• Ask your partner to be more involved in something that is challenging for you.


• Share the details that only "you can do" like bill paying, changing the oil in the car or making your family's favorite dinner.

As a busy parent, you are probably great at multitasking. You have to be, right? Often, doing several things at once is a survival skill. But you also know how easy it is to get overwhelmed and how difficult it can be to complete anything. Sometimes the list just seems so long…

When you find yourself overwhelmed and short on time, try the following exercise:

1. Choose something that would feel really great to make headway on or that deserves your attention for more than just a few moments. You don’t have to complete the whole project, just give it some undivided attention.


2. Set a timer for 20 minutes and commit to doing that one thing with focus and intention for the entire time.


3. Stay present with your task and don’t let your attention waver or your mind create any judgment. Being hard on yourself is not going to help you right now!

Setting aside 20-minute blocks of time to focus intently on one task, one project or one activity can surprise you. And you might find that in one day, you can create several 20-minute blocks of time and they do add up!

Here are some ideas of what you can do with 20 minutes of focused attention:

Organize

• Find a small area of your house that is bugging you. Maybe it needs a deep clean, a serious de-clutter or a little bit of sprucing up!


• Do a whole house sweep. Grab a bag or box and rush through the house, grabbing all the clutter. Then take your box and put everything away. If you haven't used something for awhile, set is aside for donation.


• Sort and recycle stacked up mail, a pile of papers or your files.


• Clean out your email box or computer desktop. That feels really good!

Self-Care

• Crank up some tunes and dance for 20 minutes. This can be a real workout!


• Do a quick power walk around the block.


• Grab a book, pick a quiet corner and request 20 minutes of peace and relaxation from your family.


• Meditate, pray or stretch.

Vision

• Have a 20-minute brainstorming session about something that has been on your mind. Don’t let your pen leave the paper and jot down every thought you have, even if it doesn’t seem relevant.


• Dig out that dusty journal and spend a few precious moments dreaming about a creative idea you have been brewing, write a story or record a memory.

Relate

• Spend 20 minutes with your kids following their lead. Color, play with clay or read a story of their choosing. Commit to staying attentive and focusing all your attention on them. If your mind begins to create a grocery list or focus on a problem, remind yourself that you can do that later!


• Invite your partner to share a 20-minute active listening session. Split the time equally and you each talk about something important to you for the entire time with the other person listening (no comments, questions, or trying to "fix it"). Look into your partner’s eyes when they are talking and thank them for sharing. If you want to, you can also repeat back what you heard them say and offer some empathy or understanding for their feelings.

This won't take the place of longer sessions but it will give you a jumpstart. You will feel more proactive and productive and it can get your creative juices flowing! You might think 20 minutes is not long enough to do anything very well. The trick is to be very focused and mindful.

As parents it can be a real challenge to keep up with the busy schedules of every member of the family. Especially as kids get older, you might feel like everyone is going in a different direction!

I recommend creating a Family Calendar on a large (around 3 x 2 feet) whiteboard and posting it in a prominent place in the house. Having a visual reminder of the appointments and events for each member of the family can create more structure and accountability. And even if you just have young children, posting the schedules of both you and your partner can add ease when coordinating childcare, doctor’s appointments and family events.

Here are some tips for making your own Family Calendar:

On the top half of the board, draw a permanent grid in black marker to hold dates for two weeks. In the lower half of the board draw one section titled “Family Goals” and another titled “Notes.”

In the calendar section of the board, you can enter the upcoming dates in erasable marker. Assign a different erasable pen color for each family member and one for the family as a whole. Every other Sunday evening after dinner, ask family members for their upcoming events, dig through the kid’s school schedules and extracurricular activities, check your work calendar and put it all in one place! Be sure to include the times of the events to you can clarify any conflicts.

Hold a family meeting and compile goals to list in the “Family Goals” section of the board. (And stay tuned next week for a detailed post on creating family goals for the New Year!) To make sure you are successful with your goals, revisit Set yourself up for success with better goal setting. In our family, we have listed goals like: Raise the money to buy a new Mac Book Pro by Jan. 1st, Organize the basement and get rid of boxes by March 1st, Sign up Liam for Community Center Art Class by Feb. 15th.

For the “Notes” section of your board, create a system where family members can jot down a missed phone call, reminder or other request. Keep it current by erasing items when they are complete.

For our family, the Family Calendar has allowed us to feel like we are working together instead of vying for time apart. Every member’s needs are taken into consideration as we work to manage our time in a respectful way. This teaches important relationship skills to kids like teamwork and communication. It also makes it easier to track where your time is going and prioritize when you feel overwhelmed. And scheduling all-family events on the calendar helps you reserve time together, a precious gift!

How do you coordinate your own family’s scheduling needs?